Friday, December 31, 2010
It was a year of travelling. It started in Denver:
Then I went to Louisville:
Blogher 2010 was a lot of fun!
Finally, I rounding my travelling out with a random trip to Pittsburgh:
2011 is shaping up to be a travel year to with trips already planned for a group cruise in June and Blogher ‘11 in San Diego. Who knows what air fare deals I will find next.
I did some knitting in 2010. It is another resolution of mine to knit more and to learn how to crochet.
I have been working on the Susie Hoodie from the book, More Big Girl Knits. I will finish this in 2011.
My mood was all over the place in 2010. It on a down note since I was poofed and Dad had the first strokes before Christmas and then took a little bit of a plunge this fall. I am on top of it and it will be better in 2011.
I really want Dad to have a stroke free 2011 and I have fears that it won’t be. I worry about him a lot. 2010 was all downhill for my Mom and 2011 will not be different but I want her to be happy and don’t want her to suffer.
I am thankful that I have continued with this blog. It has helped me through the hard and the good times. When I started the blog, I never would have thought people besides me would read it. It will be around for 2011.
I will not wait for life to take me for a ride in 2011. I will be taking life for a ride in 2011. Watch out world.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
I've decided to join a weight loss challenge on Shrinkingjeans.Net. To start the challenge off, I have decided on some 2011 healthy living goals. For me, it is all about what goes on inside. What food I eat, how I work it off and what is going on in my crazy brain. Because it is as good of a time as ever, here are my Healthy Living Goals for 2011:
1. Get to the gym 3 days a week and do Wii Fit Plus each morning. I have a calendar and I will put a sticker on each day I succeed. I works for kids and me.
2. Log my food. I pay for Weight Watchers. Use it.
3. Think of three positive things to say about my self each day. That is going to be a challenge.
4. Stay on top of depression. When it starts to take over, it takes over everything. I just don’t care about myself. I get very down and getting off of the couch is a chore. It is hard to do the above when I am depressed.
I want to post a picture but my hair is wet so I will do that after I go to get my hair done this afternoon. I know silly
I am ashamed and horrified at my weight but I am just going to put it out there. 274. I am not going to beat myself up as I look at it. It is what it is. <SIGH>
Here’s to a wonderful 2011.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
There used to be a Almond Joy and Mounds commercial that said, “Some days you feel like a nut, some days you don’t.” Today I feel a bit nutty. First, I have had this jingle in my head all day. ALL DAY. Secondly, at work, I was laughing, a lot. Two of my coworkers were joking about something silly and I could not stop laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing about but it was funny anyways.
Maybe someone spiked my Sprite Zero at lunch. I also think someone spiked Boot’s food today because he has been running around all night. Of course, it does not help that I have been chasing him and it contributes to all of the craziness.
I think I am going to do a little shopping tomorrow before I get my hair done. Having my hair washed by someone else has to be one of the best feelings and I look forward it every time. I probably won’t have anything done really to change it for no. My stylist has said more than once that I need to go blond. The thought scares me. I don’t look like a blond. Besides, with red hair, I am different and I like that.
I have been thinking of goals for 2011. Some weight related, some mental health related and others related because of my lack of focus when I get depressed. No resolutions, just goals. I have also been going over 2010 in my mind and is has been a crazy year. I am looking forward to talking about it.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Yes. I have been wearing the battery of my phone down nightly playing this. I have become flustered and elated when I get past a dreaded stage. The sounds those evil pigs make is hilarious! At least when I am playing, I am not thinking of other bad things. Right?
I ventured to work through the snowy tundra today. We got about 18 inches of snow here. It makes for a fun walk to the subway when only parts of the sidewalks are clear and when you have to walk in the street, it is so poorly plowed, that you may be plowed down. Climbing over mounds of snow to get back on the sidewalk while carrying a laptop bag, a huge purse, etc. is considered exercise, correct?
I also got to the gym tonight so that is extra. I am trying to get back to normalcy, whatever that is. I am feeling ok today. Not great. Not bad. Just kind of there. I am looking forward to tomorrow at 5 pm because I will be off for a 4 day weekend! I can’t wait even though I don’t have plans just the thought of it makes me giddy.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I hope everyone had a Merry and safe Christmas and if you are in New England, a good blanket for a day like today. This is what is like outside of my door.
It’s snowing! The weather people are going crazy. News round the clock with nothing but stay off the roads. Today was a good day to do some cleaning, set up my new red Wii and watch the Patriots clinch home field advantage. I am excited out the Wii. I have three games – Wii Sports, Super Mario Brothers and Wii Fit. Do you have any Wii games to recommend?
Christmas in the Jen household was quiet. There was only a little bit of family drama only to over by dinner. Secret Sister had be harping on my Dad buying my mother the wrong size night gown and she would just not let it go. It bothers Dad that she has to point out his problems over and over. By dinner, they were talking and not yelling. We had a nice ham dinner, exchanged gifts then my other sister, Theresa and my brother-in-law with the boys came over to have dessert and presents. Everyone was happy then I was left with a disaster.
I was productive today but lonely. I was trapped inside because of the snow and I just felt alone. I miss having someone this time of year especially when it is cold and snowy out. It must be the bad weather that brings it out or the fact I am stuck here with nothing but my thoughts. With New Years next week, I am going to think of goals for the year. I am ready to bring 2011 on.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I am trying hard to get into the Christmas spirit but the snow is not helping. The one positive thing about the snow is that it is not 2 feet but it is a big nuisance because it is falling, creating miserable traffic because Boston drivers are not good at driving period, especially in the snow, then you have crabby people on the subway. I am not one of the crabby people except when I found out I messed up my knitting pattern (I am knitting a tam) and I had to rip it out. Not good.
Another strange thing is that after a year of no activity on Plenty of Fish, I am being inundated with emails. Craziness. Where were these people 4 months ago? Most of them live in Rhode Island and based on my luck with the Rhode Island man aka the poofer, I am wary. What is about men from Rhode Island? Is there someone local? After all, based on local census numbers, there are lots of single people about.
I had my review at work. It was a so-so review. Yes, I have been disorganized, discombobulated and overloaded yet I didn’t really need to see it on paper. Time to get back to the productive Jen. I have never really been organized or not overloaded on the job but discombobulated should stop. I got a small raise as well, which is good because last year I did not get a raise at all.
It is getting down to the Christmas wire. Everyone ready?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I have my new modem up and running finally. I have been plagued by computer problems it seems but I will put it behind me.
I bought my ticket for Blogher ‘11 in San Diego and booked my hotel room for a few extra days in San Diego. I am not flying out to the West Coast for two days only. I have to start to save my pennies now! The hotel room is going to be expensive. It will give me something to strive for. 2011 is going to be a good year.
I am mostly done with Christmas shopping. I just have to get a gift card and a card to hold cash and I am done. Dad has been bragging about being done with shopping and how much I am going to like my gift. I am sure I will like anything I get. I have more gift giving anxiety then gift getting hatred.
Because I have spent some time wrapping and Boots has spent some time attacking the paper, ribbons, scissors and whatever else he can while I wrap, I bring this via my friend for your enjoyment:
I am feeling a bit better in general. I was talking to Dad today about being depressed. I talked about how it stalks me and it is a battle. He understood. Normally, he just tells me “cheer up” or to stop taking things so seriously, but not today. Telling me to cheer up, is like telling me I need to lose weight. I know. Don’t remind me. I remind myself all too often.
Speaking of that, I was looking in the mirror today and I said to myself that I am not half bad looking but when I look I look at a picture of myself, I despise the way I look. I hate the ugliness of 98% of the pictures of me. I am not the most photogenic of people, but the difference is striking I think.
I hope you are 98% done with your shopping. Stay away from the malls on Christmas Eve!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Outside of shopping, my mood was fairly low. I was not feeling well. I was having sharp pains and my fibroids or something like them are probably back but I don't want to go to the doctors, spend $30 to be told nothing. I have spend a ton of money in tests just to find out I am strange - between my migraines and my asymmetrical self and my cursed menstrual world. There is nothing they can do or will do. So I just live with it and I am tired of giving my money for these tests.
I have a love and hate relationship with Christmas. I like the colors and the holiday but this time of year is incredibly lonely for me. I feel alone. Sitting in my empty apartment really brought it out. I have been busy and life has been non-stop lately but there is just something missing. It has been a year since I was dumped by the poofer and time has really flown by.
I have a much needed day off tomorrow to take Dad to a neurology appointment but I have also have to do a few errands for him as well. I am a good daughter.
Congratulations to Lootz on winning the subscription to Real Simple!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Part of what brought this up is I have been ruminating over my past but not really in the same way as before. I have been chewing my thoughts about some things I haven't thought about since it happened. Before, it was basically negative events in my life but now, it is a mix of things like what happened to those vets.
Tonight, I will be baking cookies though I am not sure how many. I have a potluck party at work Friday then I maybe have a cookie swap Friday night. If I have the cookie swap, tonight is my only time to bake but I am not sure the cookie swap is happening. To bake lots of cookies or not. It could be dangerous. Cookies and milk at Jen's apartment otherwise!
I should have email at home soon. Verizon is sending me a new modem. I will be getting flexible tubing at the hardware store for the cords. The war continues. He waits until I am gone to strike. Cats are quite smart and don't get enough credit sometimes.
Don't forget to enter my Real Simple magazine giveaway!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
- Strong - Yes I am. I have my self defense mechanisms but I have withstood a lot of family problems over the last 5 years, my Mom's death sentence and lots of personal trauma and I am still going strong. Hiccups happen.
- Willing to admit I get lonely. Turning to food is not the answer. Food can not talk. Food does not laugh or purr. Food just makes me feel bad 2 minutes later. Thank goodness I have the little chewer, Boots, because life would be 10 times lonelier.
- Really behind on Christmas shopping. I have gift anxiety. Will they like it? What to get? The pressure can be overwhelming sometimes then I have fears they will hate it.
- Without Internet at home due to the little chewer. The victim this time: my modem's power cord. The bitter spray is not working. Can I go to Home Depot or a place like it and get those flexible plastic hoses like they have on vacuum cleaners?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It may be pouring and windy out but it is feeling a little like Christmas in my apartment.
I actually did a little bit of shopping today. I got my father his Christmas gift. Then I went to see my Mom but she was not talkative or lucid today. At the nursing home she is in, they have a giving tree. The residents put what they want – generally chocolates, socks or a night gown and people pick their name and get the gifts. I picked 5 names.
I am feeling a bit better. This roller coaster week is over and hopefully, next week will be better. I did not get the sleep I really wanted but I am feeling a bit better in general. Winter is such a tough time of year for me. I hope that I will be able to kept my mood up after the holidays and not come crashing down.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I was worried about Dad. He currently has a heart that pumps at 70% capacity. A fill in for his primary care doctor had done an EKG and saw a reading that was concerning. They told him to go to the emergency room, which he did. At the emergency room, they would not listen to what he had to say about his cardiac condition and did all these test on him to find out what we already know. He has been released to follow up with his cardiologist, which he was doing already.
The combination of the two things and a big mistake at work, had me crying in a grocery store parking lot last night. I could not stop for 10 minutes. All these thoughts of not being good enough or pretty and worry for Dad set me over the edge. I recovered enough to go in and buy some groceries that I needed but the damage was done.
I am really looking forward to the weekend. I hope to relax. I am going to a cupcake holiday tea on Saturday and I hope to put my Christmas tree up. I really hope to sleep in. I don't have to be up early and I plan not getting up early. With the cold weather really upon us now, it just makes me want to hibernate.
I need a mental health day off. Maybe to start Christmas shopping because I have not started yet!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The broker party was held in a new swanky New York Italian restaurant. There was open bar the whole night and it was packed. Plus, they had the Patriots versus the Jets and as much as I tried to ignore the game, I could not. It was on a few teams and I was one of a few onlookers. I was mesmerized. After hearing all day that the Jets needed to beat the Patriots, it was fairly cool to watch the game as one of the only Pats fans in a sea of Jets fans. The win made the party sweeter.
I need a few days off to recover. I definitely need to take a day off to shop next week. I have not even thought about Christmas shopping yet.
I am sort of looking forward to getting back to my old routine as I had started to do before I left for New York. I did a ton of walking but night excesses kept me from waking up early. I want to sleep in my own bed tonight too.
Hopefully, Amtrak will be fast getting me home.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I hadn't really thought about it either then it made sense. I had been spiraling down on that slippery slope and as that was getting out of control, other areas of my life were also suffering.
I try to be honest with myself here. If I use this blog as a tool to help, then I do realize that I was fooling myself a bit. Now that I have gotten that in control, I need to get the rest of my out of control life back in order.
Tomorrow, I am volunteering for Harpoon Helps. It is a great event where you help decorate the city for the holidays and then Harpoon rewards you with some beer. After that I am cleaning.
I get paid on Tuesday, so I am going to also write out all of my bills. The Consumerist blog offered a consumer budget spreadsheet this week that I am going to work on this weekend. I need to get a handle on this too.
My eating is under control though this morning, I did not eat breakfast. I had a chicken and cranberry salad sandwich for lunch with baked chips. I was starved by then. I had a project that needed to be completed at work ASAP and I neglected to eat. I will be stepping on the scale for the first time in 2 weeks tomorrow morning. I am hoping to see something good.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
There is something about listening to the pouring rain hit the windows that brings me down. Maybe it just makes me lonely. The apartment is cold and I can hear the wind blowing outside. Maybe it is what’s going on with Dad or a combination of all three things.
Dad’s MRI went well. I am glad I went with because he needed help talking to the staff and I was there to help. He says I am his right hand woman now. I don’t mind helping even if he is a big pain sometimes. I am worried. His arm has been numb for a week. I hope it is not another stroke though. I did not meet anyone at this MRI center. I only saw one man there, the MRI technician, who brought the disk out to Dad.
I want to copy my food journal from my WW Points Plus tracker to post on my blog but I can not figure out how to do it. I have seen it done on other blogs so I know it can be done. I am investigating it further. I stayed within my points but I spent 8 points on a grande non-fat peppermint mocha latte at Starbucks. I did not expect it to be 8 points but I also needed it to get my points and a needed dairy serving for the day.
I had a bad head ache tonight so I skipped the gym. I did download Cardio Trainer and JEFIT to my Droid. I took my measurements and will track workouts with both of those programs. Do you use either of them? Do you like them?
I need to take a new “before” photo. I will try to do that over the next couple of days. I am in full blown weight loss mode it seems. I am determined that this is the last time I will lose the weight. I am tired of going up and down like a yo-yo.
I am off to watch Top Chef. In the commercials, I am liking Marcel’s look, especially his eyes. I may have to cheer for his foams and all.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday night, I hung out with a friend of mine and we decided to venture out to the behemoth Chinese restaurant on Route 1 in Saugus for dinner. I ordered some kung pao chicken, which has a nice number of points plus per cup now, but I could not finish it so they boxed it up for me.
Last night, as I was dishing out one of the two meals I would get out of the left overs, I noticed writing indented on the box. There were two other containers of food but neither had this indented writing except the one with my left over dinner in it.
Now, I was intrigued. Did the waiter do this to distinguish my food from my friend’s food? Did he think I was sexy? I was wearing my glasses in a green nothing special t-shirt. It was a Sunday night! I did not notice the waiter looking at me at all.
It has me wondering.
Another day on Weight Watchers. I am kind of looking forward to stepping on the scale after two weeks. I have been good and tracked and this weekend was not so bad since I could not really eat much. I am hoping for a good weigh in. Tonight, I found out how much I like raw carrots dipped in ketchup. I had an omelet for dinner and well, the ketchup was there.
I did 20 minutes on the Stairmaster and 10 minutes on the bike tonight. I really wanted to skip the gym. There was a brush fire next to the Expressway just south of here and traffic tonight was HORRIBLE. I drove in because I slept late yet again. I had changed into my gym clothes at work and decided to do at least 30 minutes and I am glad I did.
I have been feeling pretty good mood wise. I have actually felt good about myself outside of a few stray thoughts. Dad called me at work and he went to his neurologist about numbness in arm. The doctor thinks he may have had another stroke so he has to have a MRI tomorrow. Another thing to worry about but it will not get me down.
Monday, November 29, 2010
It has been a few days. I am finally feeling like my wonderful self again. The stomach bug of some kind totally knocked me out Friday and Saturday. I felt better on Sunday but was a busy gal. I am sort of in a guy quandary and both of the guys have the same name. I am just going to see where things go with both of them.
I missed yet another week of 5 Things. I could not stand to be in front of the computer over the weekend. When one of the guys in the quandary said to me “What was your 5 things this week?” I was like oops. Forgotten again. I spent this weekend on the couch and watched more TV then I have in the past 6 months over the weekend.
This is some of what I watched.
1. Married to Rock:
It was actually better then it looked. Compared to the number 2 show, these women rock.
A $50,000 party for a whiny 4 year old?
I am strangely drawn to this show. It makes me want to go to Alaska and meet some of their fine troopers.
4. My Dog Ate What?
Yes your dog and your cat ate that.
5. A combination of Michael Weston and Football.
Michael Weston + a Patriots win = a good Thanksgiving
In other news, I got caught up on the new Points Plus system with Weight Watchers. My points went up from 32 to 41. I had quite a few points left over for dinner. I also got some activity points from doing my first 2011 Race Up Boston Place training, where I climbed the 38 floor building at one of my work sites.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I was in the store today and I found Diet 7-UP Pomegranate soda again. That makes me happy. I may have to post another plea to 7-UP to keep it around. longer than just Christmas time. Will they listen?
I did go out with the new guy twice and I will post about it later. I am not in a writing mood now.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Something that has never happened to me happened yesterday. I was asked out by a stranger. Yes! Strange isn't it? It happened at the MRI place where Mom was getting her MRI done. He was there with his father and he helped me get my Mom into the car and put the wheelchair into my trunk while Dad, who was with me, was in the rest room. After he helped, he asked me if I would get something to eat or a drink with him sometime. I was shocked. I was not really dressed up and I was a little bit annoyed at Dad and his constant chatter with strangers. He was talking to the guy's father. I had zero make up or anything really but I for some reason caught his eye.
We ended up meeting for dinner and a drink that night. We went for dinner in Hull and afterwords walked a bit at Nantasket Beach. He called me "beautiful" and "gorgeous" several times throughout the night. I was thinking are you talking to me?
He was a bit shy and I am not sure how much we actually have in common but I had a good time. He asked me if I had plans on Friday night and I said no so we are supposed to go out on Friday also. I do know he lives with his parents and is younger than me at 33.
Tomorrow, I am cooking for the family. I hope we get through the day without killing each other. I am looking forward to the turkey and stuffing. Plus the Patriots are on. Let's hope they beat the Lions.
Monday, November 22, 2010
A friend I have not seen in a while told me that I looked happy and how it made her happy. It also made me happy. I have been having a rough time mood wise and I am happy it did not really show. It is a sometimes internal struggle and I don’t want to be told that I am looking sad or down. I was surprised to find out I looked happy.
Tomorrow is going to be a challenging day. I am taking the day off to take Mom for an MRI. They are concerned she can not move her toes on one foot and her whole demeanor has gone down hill. So I am picking Dad up and we will take Mom out to the MRI place. Dad took her to the doctor’s office today and it went well. I was a little worried it was going to be one big problem but Dad said it went well.
When I went to visit Mom yesterday, she was not very lucid at all. She barely looked at me and she did not talk to me. I stayed for a half hour and tried to talk to her but she was not very reactive. It is really hard staying there a long time when she is like that. It just tears me up. Hopefully, the MRI will show something, even if it only is the progression of the disease.
I did an half hour on the elliptical and got some walking in today. Food wise, I ate well and got a lot of vegetables in. I had a salad for lunch while I read my book.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
In my travels yesterday, I found these Knock Knock pads and I am in love.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I had my normal every other week therapy appointment this morning. I brought up my scale issues and the renewed self esteem problems over the last couple of weeks. It felt good to talk to her about it. She suggested that I weigh in once a month. I thought this over and thought that every two weeks was more like it. I won’t stress to much and I will continue to log my food and do my normal stuff. An inanimate object should not control me.
The scale also opened the flood gates for the side of me that I have worked so hard to suppress over the last year. I guess it was not totally gone. I am not sure what it is about weight loss that bring it out. I can’t look in the mirror without the little devil in my mind say ugly things that I know are not true. This is my mind trying to protect me but it does not work. It does not help me. I want to be healthy.
In the past, I have also substituted alcohol with food when I got close to my goal. It became my soother of choice. That is not good either. I like to drink. I could mindlessly drink a lot but it does not help me forget. It just makes me feel shitty in the morning. That is not to say a martini or two or maybe three is not good now and then. I could easily drink five if given the chance.
My therapist recommended Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. I have had this book on hold at the library forever so I think I am going to go grab it this weekend. We also talked about The Beck Diet Solution by Dr. Judith Beck and the cognitive behavioral therapy approach that it uses that Weight Watchers does not have as part of their program. I have the workbook and I am going to start to use it. My whole therapy plan has been using CBT and training my brain to think different ways. I am interested in how these will help.
I have continued to play around with the FX camera on my phone. I love this picture for some reason.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that Thanksgiving is next week! People are already putting Christmas decorations up. Wasn’t it just Halloween?
Granted, I can not wait for the 4 days off. I really need that mini-vacation. I have been dragging since the time change. I thought that the fall back part of the equation was supposed to be easier. It has been hard. I am not sure if it is my medication, but getting out of bed physically in the morning has been hard! Once I get out I am fine, but the urge to pull the covers over my head and hide is overwhelming. I have to figure another way. I have not heard my alarm the last few days.
There was some good news at work. I will be going to NYC after Thanksgiving to attend a broker party and to finally meet my tenants. I work in commercial real estate and have a lot of Mom and Pop type of tenants in New York. I have been talking to them for a long time but have never met them. I am actually excited.
I have tracked all my food again today as well as the pizza I ate last night. I am trying to wrap my head around being healthier in weight loss this time. The scale number is the master over me and I hate it. I am fighting it. I have been told how talkative and happy I am prior to weighing in then my mood plummets and I get sad, depressed and almost crying after. That number is my self-worth. It has got to stop. The scale is not supposed to make or break my day let alone my week. It should not control me like it does. I need to discuss this with my therapist. I want to have a healthy relationship with the scale.
I can not be motivated by my previous weight loss motivator, self-hatred. I have had thoughts coming into my head that I have fought hard to get rid of. Someone on the WW boards told me that if you follow the program you won’t have a bad scale relationship or become obsessed with food and well, I lost 100+ pounds twice following the program and being obsessed with food along with having the scale determine my mood. I need to be healthier head wise this time.
Today, I avoided negative self talk. I looked in the mirror and stopped the thoughts that were running about my head. I tracked my food and was not obsessed with it. It is a step in the right direction.
Tomorrow my goal is to wake up on time and put some make up on before work.
Monday, November 15, 2010
All weekend long, no matter where I was, the talk was about the Patriot’s game against the Steelers on Sunday. I swear, all I heard was how Pittsburgh was going to beat if not kill us because of the game the previous week. It was as if the team was not 6-2 but 1-7.
The Patriots ended up becoming 7-2 by beating the Steelers. The win got me thinking today about the gloom and doom attitude the Patriot’s fans seem to have and how maybe it is not only me.
I can be a gloom and doomer. Talk about my family and Murphy’s Law takes over. It is a self defense mechanism that I had to prepare myself for heart break so I would not be so hurt. That attitude tends to be pervasive in the area south of Boston when talking about the Patriots.
In this case, I was the only non-gloom and doomer. I was having a few drinks with Secret Sister on Friday night and the bartender and the other people in the bar were hoping it would not be a total beating on Sunday. I was trying to convince people that they are a good team. It went on deaf ears.
At breakfast on Sunday at The Omelet Factory also with Secret Sister, we were sitting at the counter eating breakfast and conversation started about the game that night and every one at the counter chimed in. The consensus was not a hopeful one.
The other Boston sports teams do not inspire this kind of attitude except maybe the Bruins. Why was everyone so down? The team is good!
I survived another day on WW. I did not go to the gym tonight because I was on a quest to find Fooey spray, a extremely bitter apple spray to spray every cord in the house. I also had to get another keyboard. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I did journal and generally feel pretty good today albeit a bit tired.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
I did weigh in today and I lost 1.4 pounds. I’ll take it. I went out last night to check out a new area bar, the Texas Saloon (yes, here in Quincy, MA) with Secret Sister. I had a few #9s and Magners and for a while things were going well. This 60 year old was hitting on me but I was not really into it and asked him not to touch me. Then Secret Sister got all persnickety and I remembered why it had been months since I have gone for drinks with her.
I am happy with the weight loss and will continue this week. Now on to this weeks 5 Things on my blog:
1. I read how people hate Captcha codes so I got rid of the Captcha code to comment on my blog. So now, you won’t have that excuse anymore.
2. This blog started as an outlet to get the crazy thoughts out of my head and that is what it will continue to be. I’ll talk a little more about my weight issues and continuing on about depression, family, dating and other craziness.
3. If I ever have time, I was told I should think about moving to blog to Word Press. I am not sure since Blogger is so easy and I am about easy.
4. I have started using Whrrl on my Droid. It is like Foursquare. Just another thing.
5. Is there a Google Reader Anonymous? I am an addict. Totally.
There is nothing going on tonight. I am just going to relax and have a glass or two of wine.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The sun made an appearance in Boston today and I was so happy to see it. I could just feel the rays helping me. This cold weather with the constant rain does nothing my mood. Plus, I finally got some Vitamin D yesterday and maybe the combination of the two is helpful.
I did well today with points mainly because I left my wallet at home when I left for work. I had planned my lunch all out after looking at Cosi's website, which has good nutritional information, and I was prepared to spend 9 points on their Thanksgiving sandwich but when I got to the register, my wallet was not there.
My stomach was not happy and my brain today. My boss had half of her tuna sandwich left over, which she gave me and I had some clementines so that was my lunch. All the more points it leaves for some food tonight at Cagney's. I will have at 23 points for dinner. This having lots of points left over for dinner has got to change though. I am fairly hungry now.
Trivia has become the highlight of my week. I look forward to it. Knitting, beer and trivia with good friends is a great time. I have always loved trivia and the people I play with are awesome even if Secret Sister does play with us now. It is good to spend time with her also. I get worried about her and try to help her. I guess that is what older sisters are for.
Speaking of family, I must go see Dad after work. That meeting we had with the social worker last week was a "What more can you do for him?" type of meeting. I guess I am going to cook some meals on weekends for him so he does not have to buy dinner so much. I am bringing a few cooking magazines over to have him pick out what he wants to eat.
I was a bit upset at the thought that I don't do enough now. I do. I visit him, take him to his appointments, go through the mail, help him make decisions, etc. I have worked so hard to help but not get immersed in him and now I fear I will. The family relationship has always been a bit weird and my therapist has been trying to get me stay connected yet apart for sometime. In most of my therapy session, we talk about my parents for most of the hour. This social worker does not understand.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I got back into the Zumba mode tonight. I was a little bit off as I was not feeling well, but completed the hour class. I have been feeling run down, achy and under the weather today. I have a cold that just will not give up.
I was concerned a bit about Boots. He was missing a dime size chunk of fur and it was all red and scabbed over. I had thought it might be ringworm so I brought him to the vets today. Just getting him into the cat carrier involved a game of Jennifer chases cat, only to bribe the cat in the end with treats. Boots hates the car and meowed all the way to the vets office.
When we got there, he charmed the vet techs, acting all cute, nice and shy. He does not have ring worm but had some kind of allergic reaction to something. I got some antibiotics to give him after I type this.
I did know that I would not get away scot free with taking Boots out of the house and in the car without some sort of payback and it came while I was at the gym. I come home to the dark apartment, walk into the kitchen and discover that the glass I put several inches back on the counter has somehow shattered all over the floor. I know revenge was taken.
I am going to go lie down after this and relax. I have also got to fight with Boots to get the amoxicillin in but it should be bad.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I woke up this morning convinced it was Sunday and because it was Sunday, I didn’t have to get up. The mind plays cruel jokes sometimes, doesn’t it?
Another day on WW. I noticed today that my hunger was through the roof. I ate more points during the day to accommodate it. I also worked alone. I wonder if the two were correlated? I mean, it was quiet, my thoughts wandered, the tummy growled…I don’t know. It is a thought.
I finished reading Echo in the Bone by Diana Gabaldon. I read all 8 books of the Outlander series and I liked the first few books and the last book the best. I put one of the Lord John books on hold at the library and I picked up Into the Wilderness by Sara Donati tonight at the library. If I like it, I’ll read the whole series.
Speaking of series, I am getting excited about the Harry Potter movie coming out. I read all of the Harry Potter books and I felt that the books got better as Harry got older. I thought The Half Blooded Prince should have been 2 movies but I am not the director. It was the best book of the series, I think.
One book series I could not get into was Twilight. I tried and struggled through the first 2 books and gave up. To each their own, I guess.
My mood was fairly stable today. No name calling in my head but I did have a headache with my ears buzzing so that took my concentration away. The weather has a lot to do with my mood, I think. The trees with out leaves makes the area look so drab and bleak. We need some colorful houses or something to make up for the winter drabness.
Monday, November 8, 2010
I survived another day on WW and went to the gym. I am really struggling with the "you're ugly" demons.
Off to have a computer free night.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Tonight, I am listening to the rain hit the windows. I am dressed in a few layers and I am freezing. I slept in this morning (yesterday too), longer then I was planning. I swear I could sleep all day if I was left to my own devices with nothing planned. Flannel sheets, warmth, no worries, nothing bothering me except for Boots now and then, it is practically my favorite place to be.
I had planned to do a lot this weekend but I accomplished almost nothing besides sleeping in. I did a little bit of shopping because I needed to get some winter work clothes to last me this winter. I will be losing weight but in the mean time, I must be warm.
I tracked all of my food this weekend. I still have 4.5 points to eat today. The problem with sleeping late is that I eat late. When I eat breakfast late it throws everything off. I didn’t go out to breakfast this morning because Secret Sister had other plans so I ate my typical oatmeal for breakfast but when I ate, it was noon. Oatmeal is filling and I wasn’t hungry until 3 or 4 and the cycle goes on. I am getting back into the Weight Watchers mindset. I hope to make some changes this time:
1. Listen to my body and hunger.
2. After this week, I am going to follow Filling Foods version of WW.
3. I will not starve myself, nor will I be motivated by self hatred.
4. I am going to try to figure out how to import the WW food journal here to the blog.
This morning, I mixed whole berry cranberry sauce into my oatmeal. I must say, I like it! I am always looking for new oatmeal or hot oat bran mix ins. What do you like with your oatmeal?
I know that sleeping a lot is not a good sign in someone who suffers from depression. I don’t deal with the change of seasons very well. I definitely need to get hold of some Vitamin D. It is just hard getting out of bed. I have to be up early tomorrow morning because we are meeting with Dad’s social worker at 8 am and I have to go and get Dad, my brother and Secret Sister before hand then trek into Brigham & Women’s.
The social worker is probably going to say I need to do more for Dad. Well, my therapist might disagree. I am not sure how much more I can do besides maybe cook a bunch of meals for the week on a Saturday. My parents have taken a lot of my time and energy and I am not sure I can give more. I am already involved quite a bit in helping Dad with day to day stuff. My therapist once said I need to separate myself from my family and not be so involved. I can see pressure coming.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I am a bit quirky. Some might say crazy or even loveable. I have some traits that I am not sure where they came from, certainly not my parents.
1. When dogs bark at me, cats meow, if I see cows or really any kind of animal that makes a noise, I must make that noise back at it. I tried to find the old Far Side cartoon that basically had the cows pointing “It’s people!” and people mooing at them back but I could not find it. I try to control it when I am around other people, but it is hard.
2. Another thing I try to control around other people when I am driving or in another car, is the compulsion to change the station on the radio every 3 minutes.I must really be comfortable with person to do it in another person’s car. I have gotten better at this but I wore the numbers off of the preset buttons of my old car by pressing them so much. It is also hard but I am working on it.
3. Boots has a Facebook page. I was bored. I could not help it. He will have more friends then me at some point of other cats on Facebook. Did you know how many cats, bunnies, dogs, ferrets, etc. are Facebook? There are more then one of me other there. It may be a scary thought.
4. I like saying words like discombobulated just because I like the way they sound. It is a bit fitting lately.
5. I see that gingerbread is back in the stores like Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, which had a pretty good gingerbread cookie surprisingly. That makes me very happy. There is a gingerbread store, Ginger Betty’s, down the street from me. I am definitely going to have pay them a visit.
Friday, November 5, 2010
I have been disgusted with myself and only I can do anything about it. I have decided that I love the Weight Watchers program but I hate meetings. I don’t get much out of them. They just don’t do it for me. So I am going to do Weight Watchers online. I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning. I am going back to the boards – if you post on the boards there, I’ll be back more often. I will talk about it here a lot.
I want to do a cookie Friday type of thing. Maybe not with a cookie but once a week, I can spend some of my points on something good like a martini (it is my grandmother’s maiden name) or perhaps a cookie or a piece of pizza. Whatever I feel like. I will journal it and move on. You can eat anything on WW but I can’t. I have seriously messed up my metabolism over the years. I know what I need to do. I have lost over 100 pounds twice before and I can do it again.
Weight Watchers, when will come out with a Droid app?
There will be no beating myself up. I can’t take it. I try to suppress the thoughts when I look in the mirror. It is becoming harder and harder. I have been doing this my entire life. It is not just about my looks. I can’t write some of things I think about myself because I will just start crying. That’s when I go back to thinking about the past. Gah! It must stop. For two years, I have been getting better not regressing.
A friend of mine suggested I start taking 2000 IU of Vitamin D. I am going to buy some soon. Ever since the change in the weather, I have felt myself slide down from my place of stable thoughts. I don’t get into the sun as much as I should, no one in New England does. It will help me, I hope on top of the Wellbutrin/Prozac.
Speaking of Droid apps, I have been playing a bit with my new phone and came across FX Camera and I’ve been experimenting. Here is Boots in Polandroid:
More to come, but Boots is not the best of models.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I have a lot of friends with different backgrounds, different political point of views, different upbringings and I think it brings new things into my life. It makes interesting discussion and I don’t want to be around people that are 100% like me all the time. Life would be so boring. There are very few people like me anyways .
It is a conversation I had today that really got to me. I was sitting, reading my book, and a person I am familiar with said “I don’t know how anyone could vote for so and so, I would never associate with someone that stupid.”
I am somewhat quiet but when provoked, I can’t help but speak up. It is like the awakened devil in me or something. I put my book down and said, “Well, you associate with me don’t you? And I associate with you, don’t I? Am I dumb, stupid and an ignoramus because I did in fact vote for so and so?”
He stumbled and said, “Oh I didn’t mean you.” Who did you mean?
I hate that attitude of you must be dumb because you disagree with me. It drives me crazy because I am far from dumb yet I have a differing point of view from most people I know here. I don’t talk about it a lot because that superiority complex around here comes out.
Sometimes I find people who claim to be the most open-minded are quite the opposite.
I even complimented myself up there. That is progress! It is end of the year review time and my boss had to change my wording on my year end comments because I downed myself too much. That was a problem.
I signed my life away to get a flu shot tonight and I am off to trivia soon.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
This year has flown by. I have a hard time believing it is already my birthday when last year seemed like yesterday. The time definitely goes by faster as you get older.
I wonder if I should change the tag line of the blog. I think I will leave it for now.
Work today was another budget filled day filled with sinus headaches. I was so happy to go home at 5 pm. I am tired of the budgets. I just want the whole project done. My other work is piling up in a never ending pile and I am getting further and further behind.
After work, Dad, Secret Sister and I went to a local restaurant, the Abington Ale House, that gives you a free birthday meal on your birthday if you come with someone one else. I was good to spend time with both of them in a mostly squabble free zone. They are making more of an effort to get along. It is sort of a tradition to go there. We always seem to go get our free meal there (as does everyone else in the restaurant.)
Secret Sister offered to take me out for a drink after dinner but I declined. I was tired and really just wanted to get home. I have become a bit of a fuddy-duddy in my old age – especially on a work night. She’ll buy me a drink tomorrow at trivia. She is back to tagging along for trivia and watching us knit.
Saturday night I am heading out with a few friends to one of my favorite Italian restaurant in the North End of Boston, Antico Forno. It will be a good time.
My cold was feeling better but now, it is back with a bloody nose. It is one of those feel good 1 day, feel bad the next kind of thing that is lasting for a little bit too long. I am going to get a flu shot before trivia tomorrow, so I hope it does not make me sicker.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I woke up this morning with the worst sinus headache so I decided to save myself and use a sick day. I could not hear myself think because my ears were ringing and Boots was nearby so I decided just to do it and not feel guilty.
I have been freezing all day. I am wearing more then 1 layer of clothing. It is getting cold out. I need to find my gloves and mittens. I don’t remember where I put them last spring. At least, I can wear the stuff I knitted now.
I did get dressed just to vote even though it does not look most of the candidates I voted will win. Oh well. I sort of expected it. It happens more often then not.
I am feeling a bit better today mood wise. Maybe it was the birthday tomorrow bringing it on. I don’t know. I don’t have any plans for my birthday except to go get a free meal with my Dad and Secret Sister. It would be just like any other day if it wasn’t for the meal out.
I am off to watch some of the election results on TV. It may be a long night.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
There is the ageless question of why bad things happen to good people. It perplexes me especially when I think of my parents, specifically my Mom. I took Dad to see Mom yesterday. It is always a mood killer seeing Mom. I told my therapist that no amount of psychiatric drugs could change the way I feel after I see Mom and I would not want to change the way I feel, honestly. She agreed.
Mom is going down hill so fast. The nurses keep finding her on her knees and they are not sure how she got there so they had a doctor check her out. We think she is shimmying down from her chair to the floor because she is really having trouble getting out of the chair. She needs several tries to get up. They found nothing wrong with her besides the obvious fact that her brain is dying.
What did she do to deserve this? Why couldn’t my Mom be like most other Moms?
I try to remember her similar to this:
I’ve talked about my Mom a lot on the blog. It is such a big part of my life. Her decent into post partum depression after my brother was born and maybe late schizophrenia type of behavior changed her though now and then the old caring Mom poked through like in the above picture. She was in the early stages of dementia and loved watching the Patriots with Dad. She’d get so worked up during the games.
The dementia would come to take the life out of her face, her ability to find words and talk, everything really. It took a lot of the family. I leave from visiting Mom and want to curl up and cry. It saps a lot out of me to sit with her for 30 minutes when she won’t look at me or talk to me. I don’t really care that she can’t remember who I am since it was bound to happen but fighting to take away a book so she will look at you is a mental challenge. That book is more important to her.
Dad and I talked about how this Thanksgiving will be the first holiday without her. She is alive but gone. It is going to suck. We will have to think about what we are going to do. That is really what brought on this post.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I picked up my Dad to do a few errands today. One of the errands was to go to Verizon Wireless to get new phones. I got the LG Ally, a Droid phone, so far it seems pretty cool. Dad was on a roll with his “wisdom” today, especially about women, cats and cheeseburgers.
The subject of cats came up because Secret Sister has a cat that has not bonded well with her. She wants to give the cat to me. Since I have Boots, Dad had opinions galore.
1. “With single women, 1 cat is enough.” What about single men? I know more than 1 single guy with more than 1 cat.
2. “Any more cats becomes a substitute for other things.” My cat is a roommate substitute. It was depressing coming home to an empty apartment night after night after night. He greets me at the door and is a reason to come home.
3. “I will most certainly become a cat lady with more than one cat since my current cat has a Facebook page, is my buddy and any more will put me over the crazy cat lady edge, which I am teetering over already.” Bring it on.
4. Dad insists I do not have a black thumb when it comes to plants. He gave me clippings to challenge that premise. Let’s see if they are alive a few months for now. He just told me to make sure they have lots of water.
5. I had to bring something over my other not so secret sister in Holbrook and I was telling my sister about my quest to win things. My 7 year old nephew said, “That will never happen.” about my quest. Have faith little man. Have faith.
Since I was in Holbrook, I was tempted to stop by the Lynwood Café over the border in Randolph. I grew up almost down the street in the Grove in Holbrook but decided against it. I heard they raised the price of a pizza by double and it was enough for me to pass it up. In one review, it said it was a “gritty” area. Really? I don’t think of that area as gritty, if you know it, but I am just a native.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
As I was driving home from Zumba tonight (yes, I survived and did better the second class), I all of a sudden thought about how I haven’t really been thinking of the past much. I used to thrive on the past. I was a would of, should of, could of gal. I spent so much time thinking about the past, that I never much concentrated on the future.
Even now, I don’t think much about the future. I was never the girl that planned her wedding in her head or named her kids twenty years before they were born. I am more of a here and now gal. Just trying to get through each day with my head above water. It is progress.
The only future I am concerned with now is my birthday next week. How is it that a year has gone by? Why does time go by so fast now that I am older?
Birthdays were downplayed in my family after you turned 13 or so. I am not really sure what I am doing. I may just get my free meal somewhere on my birthday itself.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Today I did something I have never done. I forgot about an appointment I had with the psychiatrist because I was so caught up in doing budgets for work. I was working from home just to go to this appointment and I forgot! They understood but I still felt stupid for it. I guess I am committed to my job.
I am debating if I want to give candy out Sunday night or go to the movies and skip the whole thing? I will probably give candy out but I should not eat any of it. That is the problem. Maybe I will just shut the lights out and watch Paranormal State or cry over my last few days at 36.
I definitely have another cold. My head feels like it is going to explode. This is twice I have been sick so far and the fall isn’t even over! This does not bode well for this winter.
I was looking for sick cat photos and found this. It totally made me laugh.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The platform of Kendall Square station on the MBTA’s Red Line was one very crowded place this evening. I had to wait for a few trains to go by before there was room for me to get through the gates. It was like a mad house. Once I did get on the train, it was like a sardine can all the way to my stop, Quincy Center.
This is one of the mass exodus stops where a good portion of the train gets off. So, as I was about to get on the stairs, a man dragged another man down the steps and started to hit him. Two gentlemen stopped it but the man ran up the stairs and got the police office in the lobby and from there, I don’t know what happened.
Then when I got home, I noticed that the cord chewer struck! He did not cause the previous internet problems but I found the new cord I bought chewed right through. Luckily, I still had the previous one so all was not lost. Is there a cat proof cord?
I am working from home tomorrow. That makes me happy. I am not feeling well and I can work in my pajamas while watching TV! I am going to attempt to wake up early to take an aerobics class at the gym also tomorrow.
I am feeling a little bit OCD about something right now. I had a little plastic expanding folder with coupons in it and I can not find it. I went to file the coupons from the weekend papers and I could not find it. It is bothering me a lot. I know they are just coupons but I have been tearing the apartment apart looking for it. It is bothering me a bit more then it should.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My internet is back up thanks to the customer service representative of Verizon who said she would try her best to get my Internet back up by Saturday night or Monday at the latest. I am happy to say I am writing this from home! Five days without Internet access. What did I do? I watched a lot of TV and knitted a lot.
Last night, I went with two friends of mine to the Jack – O- Lantern Spectacular. We waited in line for over 2 hours but when we finally go through to the pumpkins, they were cool.
Today’s installment of 5 Things are my favorite pumpkins from last night.
1. The Peanut’s Pumpkin
2. Wolves. I thought this one was wicked cool.
3. The Kiss from V-J Day. I have always loved this photo.
4. They had a whole section of Renaissance art pumpkins which where cool.
5. A Rebel Without a Cause
It was very crowded and hard to take photos of the pumpkins without pushing people away. Was the wait worth it? Just barely but it was cool. I would go on a less crowded night.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Yesterday was National Love Your Body Day. They asked "Do you love what you see when you look in the mirror?" Honestly, yesterday I tried. I did. I tried keeping that side of me down but I failed for part of the day. I tried thinking of things I liked but they were all internal personality stuff or backhanded like I have good eyes but my face is ugly type of thoughts.
I am not sure where this came from. I was feeling relatively OK mood wise. I had a bad headache, the first in a while, and maybe that started it. When I don't feel good, my mind sort of follows.
I tried telling myself to stop it. I tried to stop the hate. Yes, I said hate, the opposite of love.It wasn't until I got home from work and decided that I was going to try to get into the 6:45 Zumba class at the gym that it started to disappear.
I survived my first Zumba class without having a heart attack or falling over myself. I wish I had inherited some of the Latin influences from my Mom but no, the only Italian part that came through was my talking with my hands. I was confused a lot of time but moved as best I could to the dancing. I completed it though and that made me feel a bit better.
I came home, worked on my knitting project and watched a PBS Independent Lens program about parking lot attendants in Charlottesville, VA (very good!) since the Internet was out and felt good. My hair was a wet mess after I got home and I was beet red from the exercise (I get that way after all exercise) but I was more forgiving of myself after Zumba.
My loving my body is a work in progress.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I think I have trained my brain to expect rejection. That I have been hurt before so why not just think it is going to go wrong because then I won’t be so hurt. Unfortunately, I am still hurt a lot of the time.
Oh, I am not going to talk to him, he thinks I’m ugly or why bother asking so and so for something because it is just going to be no. It is a mindset I get stuck in and I am not sure how to get over it.
Has anyone actually changed the way their mind think about this?
It goes along with being told I have to be a “glass half full person” at work. I expect to get screwed so when it happens, it is easier to take. I think the worst is going to happen and well, it does, especially when I think of my family.
I have tried to think “Oh it’s going to be a wonderful day!” then someone elbows me in the chest on the subway. I also know people who have read or seen “The Secret” and that they probably say I get what I get because of it.
Self protection mechanisms are a lot of things but not self protecting!
Monday, October 18, 2010
I am feeling a bit better today. I got out at lunch and went for a walk and I went to the gym tonight. It was a fairly typical day overall. I have had a killer headache all day, which is unusual since I have been taking the Topamax. I feel kind of achy as well. I hope I am not getting sick.
Dad is all excited about the picture I put up on the blog. Supposedly, there are relatives who went to Australia instead of America way back when, and I look like them. He can tell through the magic of Facebook and sharing genealogy stuff. My cell phone was accidently left on silent last night and he left 5 messages. All exclaiming how happy he is. Since he usually tells me how horrible this or that picture looks, I’ll take it. Whatever makes him happy.
Parents on Facebook can be somewhat dangerous.
I’ve been looking a bit on Match.com tonight and some of these profiles are hysterical. Maybe after looking and giggling, I may wink or actually write someone.
I was looking at airfares again today. I can not go anywhere else until I do my taxes in February!
Another half way decent Friskyscope. I am not into horoscopes but these are interesting.
Forget trying to be polite, because most of the time you don’t mean it anyway. Best to just be yourself, grumpy opinions and all, because that is the only way you are going to strike a fair deal for yourself when dealing with another who might honor, love and cherish you in the long run, but for this week is strictly out for himself.