Thursday, July 30, 2009

A Stroll Down Memories Forgotten

So, I recently went through Mom's stuff and found almost every school picture I ever took. I also found my 8th grade Class of 1987 yearbook. I have a page where I list my likes, dislikes, dreams, etc. I thought it would be fun to check out where those things stand today. My favorite class: English Definitely not my favorite later on. I like history and lately science! Season: Winter Really, winter? Gah! I hate winter and whine terribly about it. Day of the Week: Saturday Well, it is the best day of the week. Song: Nothing is going to change my love for you I don't even remember the song. Food: Veal Parmesan I spelled it wrong on the page! I can not remember the last time I ate that. Chicken or Lamb Vindaloo on the other hand.... Snack: Chocolate covered ice cream Well, that is good but not my favorite. I'd have to think about that one. Pastime: Writing Maybe then...not now...Reading, knitting, kickball, etc maybe, writing not. Actor: Jimmy Stewart Got to love the movie Harvey.... Actress: Katherine Hepburn Hmmm... today maybe Kate Winslet... Movies: Tea House of the August Moon and Harvey I did have a little bit of taste then... TV Show: Perfect Strangers It should say LOST. Sport: Baseball Baseball! Ugh.... baseball is like watch paint dry. Now, football and hockey, those are sports. Team: Boston Red Sox Double ugh. Really? I have vivid memories of listening to the Patriots on the radio with Dad since they didn't sell out. Player: Marty Barrett Who? Singer: Glen Maderios Who? Animal: Gerbil Well, we did have one at the time that I was blamed when it died. My cat may be a bit jealous. I wanted to be a journalist. Those ambitions went out with Freshman Photography 101 and long nights in Bradley University's photo lab on Friday night. I am barely mentioned otherwise. Typical really. Given what was going on at home at that time with Mom and Dad, I'd say I am very lucky to really have made it without being an alcoholic or drug addict. Also, not leaving my room for years, did a number on me also after being teased about my body. The consequences I still live with today. What sums it up is if only Mom and Dad had gotten me help back then.....but it made me stronger today. Really though, Dad and I have talked about this endlessly. I kept things to myself. I didn't want to get in trouble. If only I spoke up, things would have been drastically different but in a good way, who knows. Mom was a pack rat, hoarder, whatever you want to call it. She kept everything, even my teeth. If I had a scanner, I may have posted some of the photos. It is hard to believe she cared at times when she was depressed but I know she did. Now, with her dementia, she pats me on the head and rushes about how I am the first born, how happy she was when she was pregnant with me.... I wish the old Mom was back with some of her new features. The woman who would listen to Barry Manilow while she was vacuuming and we'd dance along to the music and the one now who hugs you so tight you can hardly breathe. Magic wands do not exist.
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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wednesday Musings

So, AC/DC last night was awesome. I hope to have as much energy as them when I am in my 50s and 60s. Gillette Stadium was packed and hopping. We were way up in the nosebleed section towards the stage but I could hear the music and see the stage so I was happy. Melinda even had a great time! I am having some concert remorse after not going after the Depeche Mode tickets through the Friends of Harpoon. Next time... Work has been crazy. I went in this morning and felt fine. Only to encounter this: My desk has been like this for a while. This confusion confuses me! Overshadowing all of this is Mom. She is going downhill fast. She loses attention quickly. She does not talk and getting her attention is hard. You practically have to jump at her to get her to look. Saying her name does not cut it any longer. She has been having a lot of accidents lately. I miss Mom. I want her back. She should be enjoying her life at 60. Not dying a slow horrible death. I get so depressed after I visit her but I can't not visit her. It really tears me up inside.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I need another weekend...

I had a very busy weekend! I went to Newport, RI with two friends on Saturday. It was a gorgeous day. Then after lunch at a Greek festival, we went wine tasting at Greenvale Vineyards. There was a jazz band there. Then there was Toby Keith Sunday. We tail gated for 4 hours until the cops made us pack up. Probably to make us buy $9 beers. Food choices: I did the best I could. I skipped the yummy looking Greek desserts at the festival though I did get enchiladas at La Paloma for dinner on Saturday. On Sunday, I just tried to eat what I wanted and not go overboard. I tried to refrain from drinking too much and not totally over do it on my choices. I will be weighing in early tomorrow as I am going to AC/DC tomorrow night at Gillette Stadium! Two concerts this week make me a tired gal. Mood wise: I am doing OK. My appointment Friday went well. We talked about how far I have come in my battle with low self esteem and depression. She commented on how I am now getting out more and my whole attitude has changed. I started to beat myself up for my weight gain, bad thinking, etc but she reminded me that I have come along way. It is still a struggle and at times I just want to revert to my loner ways but I am clicking with people. I am not afraid to voice my opinion. I have been making friends and not pushed them away. That is progress. No time with R this weekend though.
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I've been a busy gal

So, I lost 4.4 lbs at my first weigh in on Tuesday. Yay! I am very happy with that. I have been trying really hard to stay focused. I have been trying to get in more water. As evidence, I met up with two friends and their baby on Saturday and while waiting at The Playwright in South Boston, I have a glass of water at the bar. My sister brought me a big bag of yarn. It included yarn from Woolworth's and Sears and most of it was probably older than I am. Boots, of course, had to investigate. I stopped him before he got to involved. A better look at the yarn, without Boots. There was lots more that I did not photograph. I have been knitting the February Lady Sweater, designed by Flintknits. I think it is going well so far. Hopefully it will fit.

Friday, July 17, 2009

TGIF!

I survived the week in one piece. For two days, it will be heaven. I am meeting up with my friend, M, tomorrow for a walk along the beach. Sunday will probably be quiet. I had golden beets, blue cheese and oil for dinner with a few PB&J Triscuit Thin Crisps. I know, weird combination. I really have to find a new way to cook beets besides peeling and boiling them. Or a new way to eat them if they are boiled. It was too humid to turn the oven on tonight. I ate all of my points today. All 31 of them. I am going to have a Edy's grape popsicle while watching my Netflix movie, Cautiva. I am bringing my camera to the beach tomorrow so I can't wait to take pictures. Thank goodness it is Friday!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

One more day!

I can not wait for the weekend. I live for it. On Monday, I start to think about Saturday. Tomorrow at 5:00, I will be one happy gal. Not that I am doing anything, except maybe stopping at Target on the way home. At kickball tonight, I was hit in the head twice. Both times, by a ball that was kicked sky high and came zooming down at my head. I felt totally inadequate. The two times I get the ball, I can not catch it. Part of me wanted totally call it quits after my two misses. I didn't want to go for drinks. I just wanted to go home to the safety of the apartment. I finished the game and went out for one drink but really, I just wanted to go home. I have always been a home body. The loner or to some, loser, probably. I like to think I am happiest alone but then I get lonely. The feeling of inadequacy had me feeling like that. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough for anything. This line of thinking is not good. Why can't I stop it? I had an appointment with an allergist today. I am allergic to nothing. Even though I break out in hives, swollen itchy hands after touching things, have constant post nasal drip during allergy season, etc, after they poked me and gave me shots of dust, etc. They could find nothing. I am beginning to think I am a hypochondriac. My period is all messed up. I get hives a lot. I have headaches. My ears buzz. I am depressed. They can find nothing wrong with me, besides the depression. Tonight for dinner, I had Go Lean, blueberries and 1% milk. The same thing I had for breakfast. It is what I felt like when I got home from kickball. It was 9 pm and I am not cooking. I stayed within the plan and points tonight.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wednesdays are...

busy at work. That is for sure. It seems like it will never end but hopefully, extra staff will be approved soon and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. So, my first day on WW went well. I ate my points and journaled. I wish the the website was Firefox compatible. I do not want to run IE just for the WW site. I tried a new vegetable tonight. Last week, at the farmer's market I bought kohlrabi. Essentially, it is a German turnip. It was described to me as a cross between a turnip and a broccoli and that is exactly as I would describe it. I had never seen anything like it until I saw it at the market. I even saw purple kohlrabi today at the market. I resisted though.

KohlrabiImage by Lisa Norwood via Flickr

Food wise, it was a good day. I got brown rice sushi from Whole Foods for lunch with some sort of kale soup. I had Greek yogurt with honey for snack. For dinner today, I peeled the kohlrabi, chopped up a zucchini, along with a little canola oil and some Italian seasoning, and sauteed it for a bit. I then added three small eggs and topped it off with some 2% cheese. I also had a slice of whole wheat toast with some whipped butter. Here is a picture of the concoction: It was pretty good for something thrown together at the last minute. Wednesdays are also knitting nights. It went well. Knitting always soothes me. All in all it was a good day! This Zemanta thing is still driving me crazy.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A Fresh Start

So, my first WI at WW was 5 lbs less than at the doctor's office last week. That is a good plus! My first meeting back went well, I like the leader on Tuesday nights at the Winter Street meeting location. It will keep me coming back for more meetings. I did okay eating today even though I did not count points. Since I signed up for the monthly pass, I will start journaling online. I wish there was a Blogger/WW interface to come up with charts etc. I will have to do some research. I need to remember that I can not take care of the ones I love if I do not take care of myself. So, I am in the right mentality today. My mood was better though I was not feeling well at all. I thought birth control was supposed to help get your period normal. Mine has been so painful! Hopefully not as heavy. On the Red Line tonight, I saw a man and his talking dog. Yes, talking dog. The man asked the dog a question and the dog barked back. I wanted to bark back at the dog. There was a barking dog across the street on my walk home from the train and it was barking at me. Since it was in the arms of its owner, I silently barked back. I feel incredibly guilty about not visiting Mom last weekend. I was feeling depressed and I just could not take it mentally. Mom has been getting worse lately. She had an accident last week when I visited. Her attention span is gone and I had to wave my arm in front of her to get her away from her cards. I can not miss this weekend.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

So, I had my yearly physical the other day. Of course she took my height (I have not shrunk!) and my weight. My weight has done the opposite of shrinking and I was dismayed. More than dismayed, downright disgusted at myself. How could I let myself get fat again?
I have been thinking about it at lot over the last 24 hours. I am insecure about my relationship with R. I don't think I deserve it. One way to make sure I sabotage my relationship is to gain weight. No one will want me if I am fat.
The insecure me has ruled lately. I find myself thinking that I am not good enough, etc. I am good enough. I know that deep down. I thought I had fended off that shadow but in moments of doubt there it is, lurking behind the door. Tomorrow, I am going rejoin WW with my friend, G, after work. I know the road will be tough but for once, I will concur my weight problem once and for all. I hope to use this blog as a daily recap of sorts. Be prepared!
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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Gloominess

I know complaining about the weather is pointless but the weather in Boston has been down right dreary lately. Rain, gray, rain, gray... it is a never ending pattern. It has definitely taken hold of me. It is like Eeyore is in Eastern Massachusetts and there is a big cloud over his head following him.

Les nuages...Image by melolou via Flickr

I want this!!!!

Rain in BostonImage by Salt&Vinegar via Flickr

Not this!!!!! My mood does not need any downers. To top it off, it has been cold. I have not seen R in a few weeks. Even though we talk on the phone, it is not enough. I need to be near him. It is a sad realization I guess. My mood should not depend on another person. It is something I need to work on. My Boots turns 2 today. He is quite the teenage kitty. He is obsessed with knocking my coat off of the chair and then laying on it when it is on the floor. It must be a cat thing. I am going to get him some cat nip to celebrate. Maybe a high kitty is what I need. Today is my first day experimenting with Zemanta. It has been tricky. The page does not seem to format right when I look at the preview. It is annoying. I need to knit to calm down.