Monday, December 29, 2008

End of the Year

I looked back on the past year this weekend. What I liked about it and what I could improve on. I liked that I have been tackling my depression head on, sometimes winning, sometimes losing but trying none the less. What I hate is how out of control things are. My eating, cleaning, financial worries, dealing with Mom and Dad... I went back to WW today because eating is one thing I can control. I have shocked at the number on the scale but I am finally ready to recommit so I am back full force. I went to visit R's friend who had a premature baby over the weekend. Seeing her in the NICU was precious. She was like a little truffle in a pink and brown onsie. She was born at 2.1 pounds but in 4 weeks has doubled her size to 4.6 pounds. She will be home in a few weeks. She is a little fighter and I am too. I will get through this momentary set back. One good thing though is that I can now shop for a sewing machine. I was given an American Express gift card for Christmas and I am very excited. The things I could make... I knitted a sweater vest for my sister as a Christmas present but it only gave me crocheted edging as the button hole. I am trying to figure out how to do this. Goggle has only had limited help so far. I want to finish this sweater, from 101 Designer 1 Skein Wonders, and I will find out how to do it.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Twas a few days before Christmas....

and there is panic in my house! My car is dead and I have only a few gifts done. I may just go to a drug store and purchase some gift certificates to other stores that they sell. At this point, I would prefer not to go near a mall. For R, though, I must buy something. My mind is blank though. I am thinking a bartender's set. I don't know. My eating is out of control. Being cooped up in the house because of the continuous snow this weekend, was not good for me. All I did was eat, even while I was knitting, which is unusual. Maybe I was feeling a bit lonely and the food was there. I am just going to take one day at a time. I got more chocolate today from a vendor. I wish they would give me coffee. Coffee is such a nice gift. I don't need chocolate Santas or wine. I have about 20 bottles of wine now. I guess I should drink it. We found out the nursing home that we thought Mom would do good at has been bought by a big conglomerate and none of the women she worked with are still employed there. So, we have to find another nursing home for Mom. I think there is some disagreement in the family also. I want a drama free Christmas. I am cooking for Mom and Dad and the siblings. I just feel so blah about this Christmas. I wish it would just go away. I am looking forward to two short work weeks though.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Self Criticism

Make a mistake Beat myself up Lather Rinse Repeat Why does this pattern always happen? I had a good day at work yesterday. I got a raise and bonus, more than I was expecting. R put an offer in on a house and it was accepted. Then I borrowed my Dad's car and scratched it. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to curl up and hide. I said I suck to myself so many times, etc. Why? Why is my reaction to berate myself? I have really consciously been not beating myself up but yet, I was lauded at work earlier. I am so tired of it and I seem to lose the battle sometimes.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A little update

I am feeling a little better mentally today. I still look like I just crawled out of somewhere but I have a smile on my face. I also am still sick and feeling generally yucky. The work Christmas Party is tomorrow in Connecticut. I wish it was closer. The ride on the bus is long but it gives me time to knit! I need to find a new pattern to knit.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Shadow

Lately, I have been feeling on and off. Perhaps it is the upcoming holiday and the fact that it will be another Christmas scaled back. Dad hasn't been feeling well and I am worried about him. Mom has been paranoid. I am depressed and getting sick. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I look a mess. I haven't had a chance to pick up contact lenses so I have my glasses on and my clothes are so blah and my hair never seems to do what I want. It is a reflection of the fact I can not get up for work on time anymore. I am beginning to wonder if I am anemic due to my period problems, which reminds me I must find a new primary care doctor. I know the onset of the cold weather has something to do with my mood and the fact that I have been broke. I need to work on financial stuff this weekend for sure. My lack of self confidence is back after a short hiatus. I just don't feel pretty. I feel so blah about myself. I hate to admit at 35 I have very little makeup knowledge and dressing is hopeless. I started to knit the Irish Hiking Scarf and it is coming along well. It is an easy repetitive cabling pattern, not like the complicated purse I knitted. I could definitely do this and talk at the same time.