Tuesday, November 25, 2008


So, I am cooking the meal for the family. My sister has brought stuff for the dinner and tonight, I get the turkey, stuffing and such. I am not too excited about the holidays this year. Yes, I like the lights that are hung up but really, I think I could just skip the whole thing. Maybe have the people I love over for dinner and that's it. I am that Boots will not do well with a Christmas tree and do I really want to spend the money? Not really. Frankly, sitting under a blanket, knitting, watching TV and drinking Christmas tea appeals to me a lot. Speaking of knitting, I will be a knitting fiend this month. I will be knitting up some of my stash. It will help with the stress. Hopefully, Thanksgiving will be without problems. I can hope, can't I?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Things that hurt

Well, this weekend was a very bad weekend for Mom. I have been thinking about it non-stop since yesterday and it just makes me sadder the more I think about it. I went to visit my parents on Sunday and Mom was a rare mood. She was very upset. She said that my brother and I are not her relatives. Now, I can deal with most everything that comes out of her mouth but this cut to the core. I have always thought that Mom would choose her sister and brother, who have treated her horribly, over myself and my siblings. It is something I always felt was true. This brought up those feelings again. It feels like she never cared, which is not true but she was cold, very cold. I know that the disease is eating her brain. I know she lashes out when she is frustrated with herself. I hate that she says this. I am her daughter. Their financial situation is such that they are barely surviving but yet Mom doesn't want any of her money to go to the household expenses. I just have a hard time dealing with it. I want a mother that I can be close to. I want a mother that I can tell things too. I have never had a mother like that.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Things continue to be crazy. I am wondering about my options. I haven't been feeling good and somethings are out of control. I am wondering how to get them back under control. I wish my body was normal. My mood, however, has been good. I can not wait until the weekend. I have been doing well and my hair, dare I say, looked kick ass this morning. Clothing wise, I need some help, but I am a "let the hair do what it wants" kind of gal and this morning, I was totally liking it. I signed up to do the Race Up Boston Place again. I find stair climbing soothing. (Yes I know, I am crazy). I have Bruins tickets for the same day as the race. It will be good to climb some stairs then watch some hockey.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

It is almost the weekend!

It is self review time here at work. We have to comment on goals, our job, work environment, competencies and everything else. Mine made me very retrospective. The ever present thinker is out. I don't know. The I am never good enough demon has popped into my head again. Yet, I know that I do a good job given the circumstances. I hate self reviews. I have also felt like I don't fit in. Yes, it is my own silliness. All this political talk this week has reinforced it. Though one of the guys at work said, "You just question authority, which is good." when I told him I voted for Nader for president. "You just swim the other way, against the current." I guess I do. I am proud of it. My mother's family is being a pain, causing my Mom great pain. I just wish they would treat her well.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


I haven't written in a few days because I have been incredibly busy. I have had something after work every night of the week. It is a little too busy for my liking. I turn 35 tomorrow. Never would I have guessed where I would be today ten years ago. Time has flown by. I can not believe it is already November when it just seems like yesterday a good friend of mine told me she was pregnant and now the baby is 2 months old. I don't really look 35, which is good. Time seems to be running out to accomplish some of the things I would like to. Kids and marriage among them. I have started to knit a cabled bag. It is a Paton's pattern and I am taking a class at the Stitch House. I am supposed to have it all knitted up in two weeks. Ugh. I will be knitting. This week is another crazy week for me with something every night until Friday, when I go up to NH to see Bonnie.