Wednesday, October 22, 2008
So, it is Rich's birthday on Monday. I asked him what he was doing and he said usually goes to dinner to family but he would let me know. I think it would be a big step and a good thing if he invites me to go. I am thinking of what to get him. I have such a hard time thinking of and buying gifts. Waking up in the mornings lately has been hard. I have been waking up close to 7 am, which makes me late for work. I just don't want to get up. I need to think of some things that might prompt me to get my ass up. Someone suggested moving the alarm clock. It is an idea. I used to be up at 5:30 for work. I am feeling better in general. I have a psych appointment on Friday and I was told to ask him about my meds and the problem with my liver. I have been standing in front of the mirror and scrutinizing myself. I am not thinking of flaws really, just looking, sort of studying myself. I don't know what I am looking for. Sometimes I think that I can't really be almost 35. Maybe I coming to terms with my body.
Monday, October 20, 2008
The mind is a strange thing. Lately, I have not been thinking too much of the past. Yet, I am not thinking of the future. I don't want to jinx the future in a way. If I think of a future with Rich, then I will jinx myself. I am beginning to think I do not allow myself to be happy and because of that I will never find happiness. I have always been the glass is almost empty type of gal. It was a defense mechanism and since I have been often hurt, I would try to prepare myself for the hurt that was sure to come. I am trying to be optimistic about things even with the pessimistic news in the media. It is hard. I want to be happy about my new relationship and happy about the possibilities of my life. Getting my mind to change is a battle though.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
So, today was a better day. Things are back to normal for me. I went food shopping then dropped a can of pumpkin on my foot. Boots was attacking me tonight. Lately, I have had cats following me. Literally, on the walk to the T, a furry black and white cat was meowing at me. The feral cat who attacked the house this summer has become somewhat friendlier. Another cat follows me down the street. I am a dog person at heart. I must smell like cat nip. Other than my cat shadows, life is better this week. I will go to knitting tomorrow. I got a few new knitting books - Alterknits, Last Minute Knitted Gifts and Big Girl Knits 2. Now I just have to pic something new to knit since I am almost done with the sweater. I will see what I have in my ever growing yarn stash.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Having just returned from Yarmouth, I am happy to be home and shocked at how fast the week went by. I, unfortunately, forgot my medicine at home so I was without it for the week. By the end of the week, I was blah. I need the medicine. It felt good to take it this morning. Rich even said I looked sad last night. I guess I was sad. When he asked why, I did not know. I could not give him an answer. I spent the week with Rich. He joined me in the cute cozy cottage we rented on Tuesday. I went down on Sunday and found knitting and fabric stores on Monday. The weather was great. It was sunny and not too cool. We were about a block away from the water and I enjoyed walking on the beach when I went on Tuesday and Wednesday. I found Ladybug Knitting in Dennis on Monday and I bought some black and gray Jaeger Matchmaker yarn and some bluish Aran wool. Since the economy is going to the dogs, I think I spend a lot of time knitting this winter. My plastic storage container is getting full of yarn. Things will be back to normal. I also got a letter from my doctor saying my SGOT liver test was higher than normal but it would not explain my symptoms and I should still talk to my therapist. Grrr.....I will show the letter I got on my next appointment.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
She told me it is probably all in my head. That I may not be doing it on purpose but to discuss it with my therapist. She took some blood and said that she probably won't find anything. She also told me I made her sad. My weight on the scale was sky high. I hate myself like this. I just felt like crying in the doctor's office. I couldn't because the aide was taking my blood. Instead, I am crying in my cubicle. I just can't seem to win. No one seems to take me seriously. I need to find a new doctor. Boston seems to have a PCP shortage though.