Wednesday, July 30, 2008

It confuses me...

Really, today I felt oddly sad and unworthy. I had not felt that way in a while. I felt unlovable, ugly and unwanted. The shadow has emerged from a nap. Why? I don't know. I have not had good luck on Match. The men of Boston don't seem too interested in me. I was not feeling good in general as my sinuses were killing me. I am definitely making new friends but yet I feel removed. I went to the wrong location for the knitting group tonight. I was sitting in the usual location and just felt incredibly lonely. All I wanted to do was run home to truly be alone. Even Boots doesn't seem interested in me today. I am meeting the one guy I have talked to on Match tomorrow for lunch. I am nervous about putting on a good impression. I have never been asked out in person. I don't know what it is about me but there must be something. Just like there was something keeping me from making friends in general. That I am not good enough. I don't think I am ugly. I get told I am "cute" all the time. Maybe in the back of my mind I think it is baloney. I don't know. I am a good, responsible, friendly and some what reserved woman. Maybe too reserved. I must put out some sort of vibe. I don't know. Tourists ask me for directions all the time. I don't seem to have an unfriendly vibe to them. I don't know. The shadow has overtaken me this afternoon. I want it lost again. It seems to stalk me and waits for the minute to pounce. I wish I had answers.

Sunday, July 27, 2008


Yesterday, I went to see Kenny Chesney at Gillette Stadium with my sister. We left Quincy at 10 to get to Gillette early to tail gate. We met some of my sister's friends and had a decent time tailgating. The problem, after drinking a 12 pack and a few others, my sister became belligerent. I have a hard time dealing with her when she is drunk. The more I lash out at her behavior, the more belligerent she becomes. I don't deal with it well at all. She handles the pressure of our lives and the situation Mom and Dad are in by drinking. I handle it by withdrawing and getting depressed. I want her to get help but she is not ready. I told her today that I can not deal with her when she is drunk. I have decided to avoid those situations and not enable her behavior. The concert was ok. We were way up in the nosebleed section of the stadium. There were about 5 rows until the top of the stadium. The sound system sucked. We could barely hear the singing. After most of Kenny, we had enough and left early. On the way back to the car, my sister did not like the route we took and was very vocal about her opinion. I tried to tell her to stop but she persisted. Once we got to the car, we had a silent ride home. She called me this morning to apologize sort of and I told her I can not deal with her when she is drunk. It really pains me to see her in this situation as she is my youngest sister.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Floating away...

It has been a rainy mess here in Boston for the last few days. I felt like a water logged cat walking home from the T tonight. It was pouring and my umbrella did absolutely nothing to stop the deluge of rain. To top it off I seem to have laryngitis and a sore throat. I can't talk much to Boots and when I do, he looks at my with a "I don't understand you" look. Today I felt lonely. I have an expanding social life and am meeting lots of new people but I am a failure it seems. I wink and write to people and no one responds. It depresses me. I am not ugly, or so I am told, and I have a great personality but no one wants me. It baffles me. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. The dating world perplexes me. I don't seem to be doing the right things or I don't know. I wish I knew what was wrong. It is the one thing in my life that seems to perplex me (besides luck, but that is a different story). Dad's 60th birthday is tomorrow. We are going out to dinner. It should be good. Well, I am going to go lay down and relax. Hopefully I will feel better.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Not a bad day for a Monday

I lost 4.4 at WI. It is fantastic. I have not been hungry lately, which is good and bad. I am barely eating my points but I do eat when I am hungry, which lately, has been basically at meal times. I went to the gym and tomorrow, I hope to go bike riding, if the weather is favorable, which lately has been hit and miss. This weekend was busy. I had a event on Friday night and I had a great time. Then Saturday, I went to see Shakespeare on the Common and it was a great time. We were very close to the stage. Sunday was laundry day and I went to brunch with Melinda. Next weekend is more of the same. Dad's 60th birthday is Friday and Kenny Chesney is Saturday. Sunday will be a recovery day. My mood has been good. No real depressed moments and no bad talk. All in all, my mood is really stable. Perhaps the medicine is working.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Lemonade and cereal

I just got home from my knitting group or Stitch N' Bitch group. They are a great group of women. It is probably the highlight of my week. We knit, talk, laugh and get along. I have been going for three or four months and it has helped me get over that constant shadow. Having loner tendancies most of my life, sometimes getting out there is intimidating. Will I say something wrong? Will they like me? Laugh at me? I am not really shy, but more reserved. When the shadow is ever present, I am definately quieter and reluctant to speak up. These ladies have welcomed me in and it has improved my social life. I have bonded with them and they have accepted my quirky, sometimes fruit loop self into their midst. Knitting has really been a boon to social life. I have met a lot of nice people through knitting. I am also going to a craft get together on Friday and I am sort of excited. So now, after taking the T home, I sit eating my shredded wheat and milk. I journalled all of my food and met most of the 8 HGs. Yay! A good day 2.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Mondays are so...

Blah! Work was busy since I was in Chicago last week. The cat is ignoring me, choosing to follow my sister and not me. I took a body sculpting class at the gym and I could not stand to see myself in the mirror. I went to Weight Watchers for the first time in ages today and I have gained some weight. Today was a down on Jennifer day. I feel ugly and blobish. Just an all around why did I get out bed day. So tonight, while munching on watermelon (oh so good), I realized that I am ready to get my ass back in gear. So my fridge is stocked and I am ready to go. Day one - a ok.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Where do weekends go?

Really, another weekend gone! This one was a busy one. I had a good friend's baby shower yesterday and brunch with a brunch group today. I am really looking forward to relaxing after I write this. So, I must get my self to Weight Watchers tomorrow. It's been a while and I will start as a newbie all over again. I have lost over 100 pounds and for the most part kept it off but it is really an on again, off again thing. Something I have struggled with forever and probably will struggle with forever. Sometimes I wonder why did I have to have this problem? Can't I be like my friends and not worry about what I eat? Unfortunately, no. Fat was my protector. It kept me safe from roving hands and eyes. I was not noticed. Now that the weight is gone, the hands are roving and the eyes are on me. I find it uncomfortable. I have no clue how to deal with attention and even more clueless on what the right attention is. Maybe that is why I can't seem to get into a relationship with anyone. I am not ugly. I am smart, friendly, have a good heart and really, an all around good catch. No one seems to notice though and I am afraid of rejection. Everyone I know is coupled and meeting single men eludes me. I am not sure how to begin. I am on match (here is my profile: ) but it has not attracted much attention. I should really just wink at random people and hope they respond. The whole thing baffles me.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

After a week away,

I am home. I was in Chicago for a week getting trained on MRI, a software we will use at work to keep track of our leases. Chicago is a neat city and I could see myself living there. We went to listen to jazz, had great Italian food and I met a few cool friends while I will in Chicago. I hope to go back there someday to explore, without working. I have been doing some thinking on blaming others. I need to take responsibility for my life. The past is in the past and the actions of the ones I love in the past, can not be changed and dwelling on it will do nothing to change it. I would not be the same person I am today, if I did not go through what I went through. It is in the past and part of me but as of today, I must move past it. I have spent enough time thinking that maybe, if Dad got me help when I was 11, I wouldn't have.... or if Mom acted like she cared when I was a teen, I wouldn't have.... I am responsible for my life. I make the decisions and choose what to do. I have overcome a lot but I need to take responsibility for my own actions. I feel this is a huge step for me. Dwelling on the past has taken a lot of my energy and now, while acknowledging the past, I will be thinking on the future.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Another weekend gone...

This weekend went well. Saturday, I spent the day watching Burn Notice and knitting. I got a call from a friend after 9:30 asking if I wanted to go out. Having spent the better part of the day doing nothing, I was reluctant to leave the couch but I have not seen him in a while and he was in town for the long weekend, so I went to have a drink with him. I am proud of myself for getting off of the couch. Sometimes, it is so hard even. We went to a local Chinese restaurant's lounge and heard some cheesy 80's music. It was an interesting place. A mix of octgenarians and dancers, I was content watching from the back ground. He drove me home and we spent some time talking. He lives in Pennsylvannia and this relationship will probably never go anywhere but he is cool to talk to when I have been doing nothing happily all day. I am off to the Windy City for immersion training. Hopefully, it will be more then mind numbing classes. I will have coworkers with me so I will not be wandering about Chicago after work alone, which is why I am happy about this trip.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

A New Day

I am a 34 year old woman, who has struggled with depression, self esteem issues and eating all of my life. I have turned over a new leaf in the past month and I am trying to lose the constant menacing shadow that has been stalking me for years. It has kept me from forming relationships, isolated me and basically, held me back and I am tired of it. It is time to lost it once and for good. I have felt that if I just wrote things down, it will help me in the long run.

A little background for what I be talking about regularly:

I live in Quincy, MA with my tuxedo cat, Boots. Quincy is a city that touches Boston the the south and is very close to where I grew up in Holbrook, MA and where my parents live in S. Weymouth, MA. I am the oldest of 4 kids, with two younger sisters and one brother. My parents are both still alive. Mom has early onset dementia and Dad is her caretaker, with lots of problems of his own.

I work as a lease administrator for a large REIT in Boston. I am currently single and I am not sure how I feel about being single. Lately, I am preferring it. I have been diagnosed with depression and am doing well treating it. I am a new lover of knitting and bike riding.

I find knitting soothing and helpful to me. Bike riding get the wind in my face and is helping me save money on gas, as prices are outrageous and in my opinion, will stay that way and only get worse.