Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Scratch Scratch....

For the last 2 weeks at least, whenever I have itched (and it has been a lot), I bruise. I mean a deep purple huge bruise appears. I literally look like someone has beaten up my thighs, my legs and my lower stomach. It has me somewhat concerned. Yes, I was the clumsy girl growing up in Holbrook who had a lot of bruises but this has gotten ridiculous. I do a little itching and the next day I wake up looking like I fought a losing battle. Purple does not go well with pale skin. Finally, the nurse from the doctor's office finally called me back and I am going tomorrow at 11:20 am. The big computer program switch at work is not happening until mid-December so I am relieved. I did some sewing and won out threading a bobbin. Knitting is soothing. I like to sew but it is definitely not as soothing as knitting. Hopefully, I will be doing a lot of knitting and sewing soon.

Friday, September 26, 2008

End of Bad Week

Well, Dad finally has a car so I have my car (complete with new rear windshield) all the time now! I was feeling a little antsy and am happy that Dad finally has a car. I had my appointment this morning and I told her about my headaches, depression and generally bad week. We did not talk of cognitive therapy or anything like that but more about how overwhelmed I am/was and how I had a lot going on. I explained with the car back in my possession (yay - Dad had been using during the week for the 6 months or so even though I am still paying for it. I had it one or two days a week.) I am doing better. All I want is my old routine back. I want to go to the gym, knit, watch tv and not do something every night or be everything to everyone. It is impossible. I sort of want my old recluse life back with a little social activity thrown in for good measure. I am definitely a reserved introvert for sure. My MBTI score of ISFP is fitting I think. This weekend will be rainy. Hopefully there will be a lot of knitting involved.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


I haven't posted in a few days because I have had a bad week. I had to go to Stamford, CT for work on Tuesday and yesterday, something fell from an overpass and shattered the back window of my car. Luckily, even though I have an older car, I have comprehensive insurance so it is covered and no one was hurt. I have been tackled and pinned by the shadow this week. I have been feeling excessively blah and my headaches have been ever present. I looked in the mirror this morning and said, "Who is this ugly person?" I noticed I have been looking at the ground a lot this week. My work wardrobe has been blah and all I want to do is sleep. I will definitely mention this to my therapist tomorrow morning. Nothing I seem to do makes anyone happy. I will see Rich tomorrow, which is the bright spot of my week. I really can't wait. I don't want to seem needy but this week, I am a little bit.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Monday Blahs

Weekends go by way to quickly. Of course, it does not help if I spent Saturday totally hungover from Friday night. My kickball team had a party and there was plenty of alcohol and I took full advantage of it. Rich even came out to meet the team members so it was a great time. I am not sure what got into me this weekend. Maybe it was the Patriot's loss or maybe the massive headache I had, but this morning I could not get out of bed. I just wanted to lay there under my warm comforter and never move. Boots was purring by my head. I did get myself up, somewhat late, to go to work. It is Mom's 60th birthday today. She had a bad day yesterday so hopefully, she will be somewhat happy today. I bought her a cupcake from Whole Foods, chocolate with flowers on it and a card. We will be taking her out to dinner also. The more I think about Mom, the sadder I get. It is hard to believe that Mom is 60 and still even harder to believe I will be 35 this year. Time certainly has flown by and sometimes I feel like it is leaving me behind.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


For a Wednesday, today is OK. Work is very busy and I feel somewhat overloaded. I am however going away to a cottage in South Yarmouth with Rich, the first full week of October. I can't wait. My mood has been OK. Thoughts of how much of a failure I am have crept back a little bit but I am forcing them away. I have been obsessing with argyle sweater lately. I see them everywhere. I need to get one. I have never felt this way about a sweater. I am one of the most un-fashion forward people I know and I am always behind the times, which I probably still am. I can't get them out of my mind. I must have an argyle sweater! Argyle everything! So the quest for nice, less expensive argyle stuff has begun....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


I went to see the band, James, last night. They were awesome. Their opening act, Uncle Bob (I think) was good too. They remind me of another band, whose name I will think of. I went with Melinda and we had a good time. No fighting, etc.... We took the T to the concert at the Paradise because I am a public transit gal if it is available. The ride to the concert was fairly quiet. Going home, however, was not quiet. The trolley we were on got into an accident on Commonwealth Ave (B Line). The car was making a left hand turn in front of the train and did not get off of the tracks and we heard the horn and then felt a large bang. I hit my head on on the metal poles but other then that I am fine. The people in the car, probably, are not fine and the trolley driver was taken to the hospital. I was a little dazed after. We were let off the train after about 15 minutes then we got on a bus and got back on the Green Line. The Red Line was fine on the way home. Dad, a former T driver himself, told me to sue. Rich was concerned but being in Rhode Island, he was concerned. I got home and opened the peanut butter jar. Grrrr, why I do this, probably because peanut butter is comforting. After two tablespoons, I put it away. I could not get out of bed this morning. I did not want to move. I got up and tried to see if the accident would be on the news. It was. Lunch was another comfort meal - tomato alphabet soup. I may have to break out the soup pan this weekend. I am craving soup. Any kind of soup.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Why is it when I have a headache, I automatically think bad things? This morning, I woke up, showered and did my normal thing. I could not find a thing to wear. Nothing. I ended up wearing jeans and a nice shirt but none of my pants from last winter looked good. I hate it. I kept thinking how much of a failure I am, how stupid, etc.... I try so hard to get these thoughts out of my head. I just want to be 100% healthy in mind and body. I just feel so blah today. My head hurts and my spirit is low. I also was thinking of the past. I have spent so much time ruminating over the past, that I have wasted present time. I can't change the history, why don't I let it go? The mind is a strange strange thing. I have my knitting group tonight so it will calm me down, hopefully. I will be seeing Rich after he gets off of work. I am excited about that. I have found another show to be addicted to, Fringe. Dad asked for another favor. Before next Thursday, I would like to: 1. Exercise at least 3 times 2. Have no negative self talk.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Rain, rain go away...

The past few days have been extremely busy in the dungeon at work. I have been stressed and overwhelmed. Anyone who walked by me must have been thinking about the frazzled looking red head. The Tedeschi's guy said I looked sad again. I met with the psychiatrist on Friday who kept me on the meds I am on, 20 mg Prozac and 150 mg 2x a day of Wellbutrin. He wanted to reduce my meds but I was like, no way. I am finally feeling better and I don't want to be one of the ones that starts to feel better then falls off the medicine band wagon. Once I get paid next week, I must go grocery shopping. I need to get CORE food to have with some healthy snacks. I feel much better when I eat healthy. I am trying to pay attention to myself for once. The last two nights I have gotten back into the Celestial Seasonings Christmas teas with honey. It relaxes me. Also, long talks with Rich have also relaxed me. Things are going well with Rich. I am really trying to be myself. We went and saw The Dark Knight on Friday night. He said it was cute that I jumped at a lot of the violent spots in the movie. I should see him tomorrow night after he gets off work. I am trying to be open and honest. I don't want to hide my past and pretend I am not depressed. He knows it is something I am working on and that it is there. It was my "secret" that I let out a few weeks ago. How does one approach being depressed in a new relationship? Granted, I have been feeling better but I have my moments. I have been a knitting fiend and I am so excited about my sewing classes this weekend and a new knitting sock club I joined. I may asked for a sewing machine this Christmas. I love being crafty!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

So Nervous

I think I am going to be sick. My Dad just called and they would not let him in the Estate talk. It will be just the lawyer for Mom and Mom. I always have a fear that Mom, whose brother and sister, have abandoned her and treat her horrible, would pick her brother and sister over me. She once said that they were her blood and I was not. Yet she says she was soooo happy when she was pregnant with me. I hope the lawyer, who knows what they want to do, speaks up as Mom has dementia and sometimes what she says isn't good. I hate my aunt and uncle. Maybe hate is too nice of a word, despise is better. They have barely talked to Mom, hate my father and I can not stand or tolerate their behavior. I would like to have absolutely nothing to do with them. I have written them off but Mom still clings to hope. I hate the situation they are in. They don't deserve this. Mom never did anything to them. My parents have been married 36 year. Dad, obviously, loves Mom. Maybe my aunt was jealous Mom had more kids then her. She could only have one. When Mom most needs her siblings, they are no where to be found. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What Happened to Summer?

The summer has blown by. I feel like Memorial Day was yesterday. I want the summer to be longer! This weekend went well. I met Rich's parents and his best friend. I was really nervous meeting them. I know he thought I was nervous with his parents because he gave me a few drinks to "help me". I think they liked me though. I think I am definitely falling for Rich. Now, I am so disgusted with politics. All the talk of equality for women is just talk. It is equality for women if the person agrees with you. Why are they not clamoring for Obama to stay home with his two daughters? The more I hear about Palin, I like her.