Wednesday, July 30, 2008

It confuses me...

Really, today I felt oddly sad and unworthy. I had not felt that way in a while. I felt unlovable, ugly and unwanted. The shadow has emerged from a nap. Why? I don't know. I have not had good luck on Match. The men of Boston don't seem too interested in me. I was not feeling good in general as my sinuses were killing me. I am definitely making new friends but yet I feel removed. I went to the wrong location for the knitting group tonight. I was sitting in the usual location and just felt incredibly lonely. All I wanted to do was run home to truly be alone. Even Boots doesn't seem interested in me today. I am meeting the one guy I have talked to on Match tomorrow for lunch. I am nervous about putting on a good impression. I have never been asked out in person. I don't know what it is about me but there must be something. Just like there was something keeping me from making friends in general. That I am not good enough. I don't think I am ugly. I get told I am "cute" all the time. Maybe in the back of my mind I think it is baloney. I don't know. I am a good, responsible, friendly and some what reserved woman. Maybe too reserved. I must put out some sort of vibe. I don't know. Tourists ask me for directions all the time. I don't seem to have an unfriendly vibe to them. I don't know. The shadow has overtaken me this afternoon. I want it lost again. It seems to stalk me and waits for the minute to pounce. I wish I had answers.

2 comments:

  1. Jen - hang in there! I too have never been asked out in person. I went out with a few Match guys and eventually found DBF on Friendster (years ago, I don't think this route is 'cool' anymore) ... I know how you feel though. Really, hang in there!

    And there is nothing wrong with you! Introverts have a hard time meeting people sometimes. The world is full of extroverts, and we just don't know how to connect with introverts for the most part (believe me I know). The knitting group is a great idea, and sounds like it's working out really well. My totally unsolicited advice -- look for introverts who are a little more comfortable with people than you are right now. Or mild extroverts who like to introspect.

    I'll say, from my experience, what got me out of my funk was talk therapy and figuring out a plan in my life (career-wise). This was even before I tried to lose weight.

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  2. You are much less alone than you think. The truth is, people didn't use to have to ask each other in order to find a mate. Parents arranged this sort of thing. Times have changed and you and i experience the awful downside of this choice which leaves not just us but so many lonely people. It sounds to me like you might find talking to a trained therapist really useful because you are a beautiful person, you are worthy of joining a successful relationship, and you need better tools to learn how to project that self-worth into your everyday life.

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