Monday, December 29, 2008

End of the Year

I looked back on the past year this weekend. What I liked about it and what I could improve on. I liked that I have been tackling my depression head on, sometimes winning, sometimes losing but trying none the less. What I hate is how out of control things are. My eating, cleaning, financial worries, dealing with Mom and Dad... I went back to WW today because eating is one thing I can control. I have shocked at the number on the scale but I am finally ready to recommit so I am back full force. I went to visit R's friend who had a premature baby over the weekend. Seeing her in the NICU was precious. She was like a little truffle in a pink and brown onsie. She was born at 2.1 pounds but in 4 weeks has doubled her size to 4.6 pounds. She will be home in a few weeks. She is a little fighter and I am too. I will get through this momentary set back. One good thing though is that I can now shop for a sewing machine. I was given an American Express gift card for Christmas and I am very excited. The things I could make... I knitted a sweater vest for my sister as a Christmas present but it only gave me crocheted edging as the button hole. I am trying to figure out how to do this. Goggle has only had limited help so far. I want to finish this sweater, from 101 Designer 1 Skein Wonders, and I will find out how to do it.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Twas a few days before Christmas....

and there is panic in my house! My car is dead and I have only a few gifts done. I may just go to a drug store and purchase some gift certificates to other stores that they sell. At this point, I would prefer not to go near a mall. For R, though, I must buy something. My mind is blank though. I am thinking a bartender's set. I don't know. My eating is out of control. Being cooped up in the house because of the continuous snow this weekend, was not good for me. All I did was eat, even while I was knitting, which is unusual. Maybe I was feeling a bit lonely and the food was there. I am just going to take one day at a time. I got more chocolate today from a vendor. I wish they would give me coffee. Coffee is such a nice gift. I don't need chocolate Santas or wine. I have about 20 bottles of wine now. I guess I should drink it. We found out the nursing home that we thought Mom would do good at has been bought by a big conglomerate and none of the women she worked with are still employed there. So, we have to find another nursing home for Mom. I think there is some disagreement in the family also. I want a drama free Christmas. I am cooking for Mom and Dad and the siblings. I just feel so blah about this Christmas. I wish it would just go away. I am looking forward to two short work weeks though.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Self Criticism

Make a mistake Beat myself up Lather Rinse Repeat Why does this pattern always happen? I had a good day at work yesterday. I got a raise and bonus, more than I was expecting. R put an offer in on a house and it was accepted. Then I borrowed my Dad's car and scratched it. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to curl up and hide. I said I suck to myself so many times, etc. Why? Why is my reaction to berate myself? I have really consciously been not beating myself up but yet, I was lauded at work earlier. I am so tired of it and I seem to lose the battle sometimes.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A little update

I am feeling a little better mentally today. I still look like I just crawled out of somewhere but I have a smile on my face. I also am still sick and feeling generally yucky. The work Christmas Party is tomorrow in Connecticut. I wish it was closer. The ride on the bus is long but it gives me time to knit! I need to find a new pattern to knit.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Shadow

Lately, I have been feeling on and off. Perhaps it is the upcoming holiday and the fact that it will be another Christmas scaled back. Dad hasn't been feeling well and I am worried about him. Mom has been paranoid. I am depressed and getting sick. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I look a mess. I haven't had a chance to pick up contact lenses so I have my glasses on and my clothes are so blah and my hair never seems to do what I want. It is a reflection of the fact I can not get up for work on time anymore. I am beginning to wonder if I am anemic due to my period problems, which reminds me I must find a new primary care doctor. I know the onset of the cold weather has something to do with my mood and the fact that I have been broke. I need to work on financial stuff this weekend for sure. My lack of self confidence is back after a short hiatus. I just don't feel pretty. I feel so blah about myself. I hate to admit at 35 I have very little makeup knowledge and dressing is hopeless. I started to knit the Irish Hiking Scarf and it is coming along well. It is an easy repetitive cabling pattern, not like the complicated purse I knitted. I could definitely do this and talk at the same time.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


So, I am cooking the meal for the family. My sister has brought stuff for the dinner and tonight, I get the turkey, stuffing and such. I am not too excited about the holidays this year. Yes, I like the lights that are hung up but really, I think I could just skip the whole thing. Maybe have the people I love over for dinner and that's it. I am that Boots will not do well with a Christmas tree and do I really want to spend the money? Not really. Frankly, sitting under a blanket, knitting, watching TV and drinking Christmas tea appeals to me a lot. Speaking of knitting, I will be a knitting fiend this month. I will be knitting up some of my stash. It will help with the stress. Hopefully, Thanksgiving will be without problems. I can hope, can't I?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Things that hurt

Well, this weekend was a very bad weekend for Mom. I have been thinking about it non-stop since yesterday and it just makes me sadder the more I think about it. I went to visit my parents on Sunday and Mom was a rare mood. She was very upset. She said that my brother and I are not her relatives. Now, I can deal with most everything that comes out of her mouth but this cut to the core. I have always thought that Mom would choose her sister and brother, who have treated her horribly, over myself and my siblings. It is something I always felt was true. This brought up those feelings again. It feels like she never cared, which is not true but she was cold, very cold. I know that the disease is eating her brain. I know she lashes out when she is frustrated with herself. I hate that she says this. I am her daughter. Their financial situation is such that they are barely surviving but yet Mom doesn't want any of her money to go to the household expenses. I just have a hard time dealing with it. I want a mother that I can be close to. I want a mother that I can tell things too. I have never had a mother like that.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Things continue to be crazy. I am wondering about my options. I haven't been feeling good and somethings are out of control. I am wondering how to get them back under control. I wish my body was normal. My mood, however, has been good. I can not wait until the weekend. I have been doing well and my hair, dare I say, looked kick ass this morning. Clothing wise, I need some help, but I am a "let the hair do what it wants" kind of gal and this morning, I was totally liking it. I signed up to do the Race Up Boston Place again. I find stair climbing soothing. (Yes I know, I am crazy). I have Bruins tickets for the same day as the race. It will be good to climb some stairs then watch some hockey.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

It is almost the weekend!

It is self review time here at work. We have to comment on goals, our job, work environment, competencies and everything else. Mine made me very retrospective. The ever present thinker is out. I don't know. The I am never good enough demon has popped into my head again. Yet, I know that I do a good job given the circumstances. I hate self reviews. I have also felt like I don't fit in. Yes, it is my own silliness. All this political talk this week has reinforced it. Though one of the guys at work said, "You just question authority, which is good." when I told him I voted for Nader for president. "You just swim the other way, against the current." I guess I do. I am proud of it. My mother's family is being a pain, causing my Mom great pain. I just wish they would treat her well.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


I haven't written in a few days because I have been incredibly busy. I have had something after work every night of the week. It is a little too busy for my liking. I turn 35 tomorrow. Never would I have guessed where I would be today ten years ago. Time has flown by. I can not believe it is already November when it just seems like yesterday a good friend of mine told me she was pregnant and now the baby is 2 months old. I don't really look 35, which is good. Time seems to be running out to accomplish some of the things I would like to. Kids and marriage among them. I have started to knit a cabled bag. It is a Paton's pattern and I am taking a class at the Stitch House. I am supposed to have it all knitted up in two weeks. Ugh. I will be knitting. This week is another crazy week for me with something every night until Friday, when I go up to NH to see Bonnie.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Random Ramblings

So, it is Rich's birthday on Monday. I asked him what he was doing and he said usually goes to dinner to family but he would let me know. I think it would be a big step and a good thing if he invites me to go. I am thinking of what to get him. I have such a hard time thinking of and buying gifts. Waking up in the mornings lately has been hard. I have been waking up close to 7 am, which makes me late for work. I just don't want to get up. I need to think of some things that might prompt me to get my ass up. Someone suggested moving the alarm clock. It is an idea. I used to be up at 5:30 for work. I am feeling better in general. I have a psych appointment on Friday and I was told to ask him about my meds and the problem with my liver. I have been standing in front of the mirror and scrutinizing myself. I am not thinking of flaws really, just looking, sort of studying myself. I don't know what I am looking for. Sometimes I think that I can't really be almost 35. Maybe I coming to terms with my body.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The mind is a strange thing. Lately, I have not been thinking too much of the past. Yet, I am not thinking of the future. I don't want to jinx the future in a way. If I think of a future with Rich, then I will jinx myself. I am beginning to think I do not allow myself to be happy and because of that I will never find happiness. I have always been the glass is almost empty type of gal. It was a defense mechanism and since I have been often hurt, I would try to prepare myself for the hurt that was sure to come. I am trying to be optimistic about things even with the pessimistic news in the media. It is hard. I want to be happy about my new relationship and happy about the possibilities of my life. Getting my mind to change is a battle though.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Better Today

So, today was a better day. Things are back to normal for me. I went food shopping then dropped a can of pumpkin on my foot. Boots was attacking me tonight. Lately, I have had cats following me. Literally, on the walk to the T, a furry black and white cat was meowing at me. The feral cat who attacked the house this summer has become somewhat friendlier. Another cat follows me down the street. I am a dog person at heart. I must smell like cat nip. Other than my cat shadows, life is better this week. I will go to knitting tomorrow. I got a few new knitting books - Alterknits, Last Minute Knitted Gifts and Big Girl Knits 2. Now I just have to pic something new to knit since I am almost done with the sweater. I will see what I have in my ever growing yarn stash.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

A week in Yarmouth

Having just returned from Yarmouth, I am happy to be home and shocked at how fast the week went by. I, unfortunately, forgot my medicine at home so I was without it for the week. By the end of the week, I was blah. I need the medicine. It felt good to take it this morning. Rich even said I looked sad last night. I guess I was sad. When he asked why, I did not know. I could not give him an answer. I spent the week with Rich. He joined me in the cute cozy cottage we rented on Tuesday. I went down on Sunday and found knitting and fabric stores on Monday. The weather was great. It was sunny and not too cool. We were about a block away from the water and I enjoyed walking on the beach when I went on Tuesday and Wednesday. I found Ladybug Knitting in Dennis on Monday and I bought some black and gray Jaeger Matchmaker yarn and some bluish Aran wool. Since the economy is going to the dogs, I think I spend a lot of time knitting this winter. My plastic storage container is getting full of yarn. Things will be back to normal. I also got a letter from my doctor saying my SGOT liver test was higher than normal but it would not explain my symptoms and I should still talk to my therapist. Grrr.....I will show the letter I got on my next appointment.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I need a new doctor

She told me it is probably all in my head. That I may not be doing it on purpose but to discuss it with my therapist. She took some blood and said that she probably won't find anything. She also told me I made her sad. My weight on the scale was sky high. I hate myself like this. I just felt like crying in the doctor's office. I couldn't because the aide was taking my blood. Instead, I am crying in my cubicle. I just can't seem to win. No one seems to take me seriously. I need to find a new doctor. Boston seems to have a PCP shortage though.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Scratch Scratch....

For the last 2 weeks at least, whenever I have itched (and it has been a lot), I bruise. I mean a deep purple huge bruise appears. I literally look like someone has beaten up my thighs, my legs and my lower stomach. It has me somewhat concerned. Yes, I was the clumsy girl growing up in Holbrook who had a lot of bruises but this has gotten ridiculous. I do a little itching and the next day I wake up looking like I fought a losing battle. Purple does not go well with pale skin. Finally, the nurse from the doctor's office finally called me back and I am going tomorrow at 11:20 am. The big computer program switch at work is not happening until mid-December so I am relieved. I did some sewing and won out threading a bobbin. Knitting is soothing. I like to sew but it is definitely not as soothing as knitting. Hopefully, I will be doing a lot of knitting and sewing soon.

Friday, September 26, 2008

End of Bad Week

Well, Dad finally has a car so I have my car (complete with new rear windshield) all the time now! I was feeling a little antsy and am happy that Dad finally has a car. I had my appointment this morning and I told her about my headaches, depression and generally bad week. We did not talk of cognitive therapy or anything like that but more about how overwhelmed I am/was and how I had a lot going on. I explained with the car back in my possession (yay - Dad had been using during the week for the 6 months or so even though I am still paying for it. I had it one or two days a week.) I am doing better. All I want is my old routine back. I want to go to the gym, knit, watch tv and not do something every night or be everything to everyone. It is impossible. I sort of want my old recluse life back with a little social activity thrown in for good measure. I am definitely a reserved introvert for sure. My MBTI score of ISFP is fitting I think. This weekend will be rainy. Hopefully there will be a lot of knitting involved.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


I haven't posted in a few days because I have had a bad week. I had to go to Stamford, CT for work on Tuesday and yesterday, something fell from an overpass and shattered the back window of my car. Luckily, even though I have an older car, I have comprehensive insurance so it is covered and no one was hurt. I have been tackled and pinned by the shadow this week. I have been feeling excessively blah and my headaches have been ever present. I looked in the mirror this morning and said, "Who is this ugly person?" I noticed I have been looking at the ground a lot this week. My work wardrobe has been blah and all I want to do is sleep. I will definitely mention this to my therapist tomorrow morning. Nothing I seem to do makes anyone happy. I will see Rich tomorrow, which is the bright spot of my week. I really can't wait. I don't want to seem needy but this week, I am a little bit.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Monday Blahs

Weekends go by way to quickly. Of course, it does not help if I spent Saturday totally hungover from Friday night. My kickball team had a party and there was plenty of alcohol and I took full advantage of it. Rich even came out to meet the team members so it was a great time. I am not sure what got into me this weekend. Maybe it was the Patriot's loss or maybe the massive headache I had, but this morning I could not get out of bed. I just wanted to lay there under my warm comforter and never move. Boots was purring by my head. I did get myself up, somewhat late, to go to work. It is Mom's 60th birthday today. She had a bad day yesterday so hopefully, she will be somewhat happy today. I bought her a cupcake from Whole Foods, chocolate with flowers on it and a card. We will be taking her out to dinner also. The more I think about Mom, the sadder I get. It is hard to believe that Mom is 60 and still even harder to believe I will be 35 this year. Time certainly has flown by and sometimes I feel like it is leaving me behind.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


For a Wednesday, today is OK. Work is very busy and I feel somewhat overloaded. I am however going away to a cottage in South Yarmouth with Rich, the first full week of October. I can't wait. My mood has been OK. Thoughts of how much of a failure I am have crept back a little bit but I am forcing them away. I have been obsessing with argyle sweater lately. I see them everywhere. I need to get one. I have never felt this way about a sweater. I am one of the most un-fashion forward people I know and I am always behind the times, which I probably still am. I can't get them out of my mind. I must have an argyle sweater! Argyle everything! So the quest for nice, less expensive argyle stuff has begun....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


I went to see the band, James, last night. They were awesome. Their opening act, Uncle Bob (I think) was good too. They remind me of another band, whose name I will think of. I went with Melinda and we had a good time. No fighting, etc.... We took the T to the concert at the Paradise because I am a public transit gal if it is available. The ride to the concert was fairly quiet. Going home, however, was not quiet. The trolley we were on got into an accident on Commonwealth Ave (B Line). The car was making a left hand turn in front of the train and did not get off of the tracks and we heard the horn and then felt a large bang. I hit my head on on the metal poles but other then that I am fine. The people in the car, probably, are not fine and the trolley driver was taken to the hospital. I was a little dazed after. We were let off the train after about 15 minutes then we got on a bus and got back on the Green Line. The Red Line was fine on the way home. Dad, a former T driver himself, told me to sue. Rich was concerned but being in Rhode Island, he was concerned. I got home and opened the peanut butter jar. Grrrr, why I do this, probably because peanut butter is comforting. After two tablespoons, I put it away. I could not get out of bed this morning. I did not want to move. I got up and tried to see if the accident would be on the news. It was. Lunch was another comfort meal - tomato alphabet soup. I may have to break out the soup pan this weekend. I am craving soup. Any kind of soup.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Why is it when I have a headache, I automatically think bad things? This morning, I woke up, showered and did my normal thing. I could not find a thing to wear. Nothing. I ended up wearing jeans and a nice shirt but none of my pants from last winter looked good. I hate it. I kept thinking how much of a failure I am, how stupid, etc.... I try so hard to get these thoughts out of my head. I just want to be 100% healthy in mind and body. I just feel so blah today. My head hurts and my spirit is low. I also was thinking of the past. I have spent so much time ruminating over the past, that I have wasted present time. I can't change the history, why don't I let it go? The mind is a strange strange thing. I have my knitting group tonight so it will calm me down, hopefully. I will be seeing Rich after he gets off of work. I am excited about that. I have found another show to be addicted to, Fringe. Dad asked for another favor. Before next Thursday, I would like to: 1. Exercise at least 3 times 2. Have no negative self talk.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Rain, rain go away...

The past few days have been extremely busy in the dungeon at work. I have been stressed and overwhelmed. Anyone who walked by me must have been thinking about the frazzled looking red head. The Tedeschi's guy said I looked sad again. I met with the psychiatrist on Friday who kept me on the meds I am on, 20 mg Prozac and 150 mg 2x a day of Wellbutrin. He wanted to reduce my meds but I was like, no way. I am finally feeling better and I don't want to be one of the ones that starts to feel better then falls off the medicine band wagon. Once I get paid next week, I must go grocery shopping. I need to get CORE food to have with some healthy snacks. I feel much better when I eat healthy. I am trying to pay attention to myself for once. The last two nights I have gotten back into the Celestial Seasonings Christmas teas with honey. It relaxes me. Also, long talks with Rich have also relaxed me. Things are going well with Rich. I am really trying to be myself. We went and saw The Dark Knight on Friday night. He said it was cute that I jumped at a lot of the violent spots in the movie. I should see him tomorrow night after he gets off work. I am trying to be open and honest. I don't want to hide my past and pretend I am not depressed. He knows it is something I am working on and that it is there. It was my "secret" that I let out a few weeks ago. How does one approach being depressed in a new relationship? Granted, I have been feeling better but I have my moments. I have been a knitting fiend and I am so excited about my sewing classes this weekend and a new knitting sock club I joined. I may asked for a sewing machine this Christmas. I love being crafty!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

So Nervous

I think I am going to be sick. My Dad just called and they would not let him in the Estate talk. It will be just the lawyer for Mom and Mom. I always have a fear that Mom, whose brother and sister, have abandoned her and treat her horrible, would pick her brother and sister over me. She once said that they were her blood and I was not. Yet she says she was soooo happy when she was pregnant with me. I hope the lawyer, who knows what they want to do, speaks up as Mom has dementia and sometimes what she says isn't good. I hate my aunt and uncle. Maybe hate is too nice of a word, despise is better. They have barely talked to Mom, hate my father and I can not stand or tolerate their behavior. I would like to have absolutely nothing to do with them. I have written them off but Mom still clings to hope. I hate the situation they are in. They don't deserve this. Mom never did anything to them. My parents have been married 36 year. Dad, obviously, loves Mom. Maybe my aunt was jealous Mom had more kids then her. She could only have one. When Mom most needs her siblings, they are no where to be found. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What Happened to Summer?

The summer has blown by. I feel like Memorial Day was yesterday. I want the summer to be longer! This weekend went well. I met Rich's parents and his best friend. I was really nervous meeting them. I know he thought I was nervous with his parents because he gave me a few drinks to "help me". I think they liked me though. I think I am definitely falling for Rich. Now, I am so disgusted with politics. All the talk of equality for women is just talk. It is equality for women if the person agrees with you. Why are they not clamoring for Obama to stay home with his two daughters? The more I hear about Palin, I like her.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

No go...

So the big day did not happen. It is postponed until next week. Gah! I should have known. Peanut M&Ms hit the spot a little while ago. I went to the local store to buy them and the cashier said, "You always look sad. Why?" I had just placed my precious peanut M&Ms down and was sort of blind sided by the question, while I shuffled change to find .99 cents. I don't think I look sad all time. I have been feeling better. Why does this comment bother me so much? Life has taken an upturn. I had a headache, not helped by the Peanut M&Ms, by the way. I said "I don't know" and wandered out. Really, what was I supposed to say? I could have given him the sob story and broken down right there in Tedeschi's but no, I don't know popped into my head. I go to that store often as it is in next to where I work. The thought gives me more of a headache. P.S. Mars, bring back the Tan M&Ms, thank you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tomorrow is the big day.

Tomorrow is the meeting of the attorney's for the Estate of my grandmother's closing. It makes me nervous. Mom has been treated badly by my aunt and uncle and I am hoping that all goes well. If I did not have to work, I would be knitting all day. It is the type of day I need to be soothed. So my first sewing project is complete. The picture is not the best, but you get the idea of the bag. I used Amy Butler fabrics and I think it is a great bag. For a 1st project, I think I did well. I am so excited about my color knitting, intro to sewing, sock club and sew club classes. I am totally addicted. It could be worse I suppose. Mood wise, things are ok. Work is hectic and stressful. I am alone this week at work, which is not the best situation for me.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Another day...

I got a call from Dad that he had fallen down and was on the way to the hospital. He has had cellulitis on his leg and he cut himself so he decided to drive himself to the hospital. He has my car. I could take the bus to get to the hospital if he gets admitted. Just another thing to worry about... I have started to think about the future. What if things go well with Rich (which so far they are)? Will I ever get married? Have kids? I haven't given the future much though. I have been wrapped up in the past. I can't change the past but there is a hopeful future. Will things turn around for Mom, Dad, Jimmy and Melinda? Step one is getting my own life in gear. Eating healthy, exercising, knitting, reading.... I have been neglectful of the first two things. So today is Day 1 of the rest of my life. Where will it lead me? Things are going very well with Rich. We decided to cancel the Match subscription. I am debating if I should approach him about meeting Mom and Dad. It would be a big step. I get nervous about him meeting Mom and maybe judging me like others have. I told Dad about Rich. At some point he will have to meet my family. I have to be prepared.

Friday, August 22, 2008


This week has been really stressful for me. I have been really busy at work and it doesn't look like it will let up soon. I can't seem to get myself up on time and I have had some crazy nightmares. Thank God it is Friday. I feel the need to knit. Really, I want to get crafty. Knitting gets me in a grove. I love it and find it is soothing to me. Currently, I am working on a sweater from the 101 Designer One Skein Wonders. It is a vest and hopefully it will fit me. Tonight, I am going to go home and knit before Rich comes over. I am probably going to take a color class this fall. I am excited. I would love to take a sewing class also. This crafty side has totally come out lately. I am making an Amy Butler Bag. I have never sewn anything in my life, apart from the bag. The bag looks great and I only have minor things to finish it up. I will post a picture when it is done. From Mycokerewards, I have a subscription to ReadyMade. I can't wait to make sure. I was thinking of seeing if there is a sewing machine on Freecycle. My mood has been good. I got a run in kickball last night. It felt so good! We won 12-5.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The new me

So, I have lost a ton of weight. People would comment that I am a different person. That I should be so happy now that I am not puffy (and I was super puffy). Now that I think about it, it sort of bothers me. I am the old me but thinner with some new interests. I still like the same nerdy things and do the same things, but now it makes me angry to think people treat me better now. Guys hold the door, look, smile at me and even hit on me now and then. Was I not good enough then? My self esteem was probably as good as it was then, even though it is not saying much as you probably have read. I actually had better luck dating then. I was optimistic that things would be great when I lost weight. Unfortunately, losing weight did not cure Mom's dementia, help their financial situation, my social situation or my confidence or make work less stressful. I feel like I have been cheated! Where are the the rainbows and puppy dogs????? I may look totally different. I may look younger. I was told I could have gotten away with murder but I am still the same history, science, animal lover, reader, football fan I always was. I have the same issues, that were hidden. I feel a burden now that I did not feel then. As for one of the problems that I mentioned, my parents may be coming into some money. My grandmother died two years ago and the estate is finally going to be settled next week. My aunt and uncle have been messing around with Mom for too long. I would prefer to totally written them off. Mom can't. They hate Dad and me. I want nothing to do with them. Hopefully, the estate talk will go well on Wednesday. I am keeping my fingers crossed. On the plus side, things are going well with Rich. Keep your fingers crossed for success in that realm also!

Monday, August 18, 2008

So this whole dating thing is weird. I get so nervous. Did I say something stupid? Will he like me if I be myself? I have been myself. Not trying to put up a front. He seems really nice and I like him. I am just weary. Since I met him, I have seen him several times and well, I like it, him too but that is a given I suppose. I forgot my meds on Saturday (since I spent Friday night with him). I felt like shit on Sunday. Really, I can totally see that I need the meds. I spent most of Sunday napping and not wanting to move off of the couch. My father commented that I looked down. I felt down! I will not forget to take the meds again.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


I have been on vacation for the week and it was really really really needed in my case. I am sad the week is almost over and that I must go back to work on Monday. This week has been busy for me. I went on a date with a man from Match (the only one I was emailing) and it went well. We work in the same industry and it was easy for me to talk to him. I met up with him three times this week. I like him and we will see. The kickball team I am on won on Thursday night and I have found out I enjoy chilled saltimbocca. I went on a whale watch on Friday and took my brother around Boston on Tuesday. The weather was blah. These on again, off again thunderstorms are annoying. All in all, my mood was better than it was last week. I feel somewhat refreshed and I will definitely take two weeks off before the end of the year.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

It confuses me...

Really, today I felt oddly sad and unworthy. I had not felt that way in a while. I felt unlovable, ugly and unwanted. The shadow has emerged from a nap. Why? I don't know. I have not had good luck on Match. The men of Boston don't seem too interested in me. I was not feeling good in general as my sinuses were killing me. I am definitely making new friends but yet I feel removed. I went to the wrong location for the knitting group tonight. I was sitting in the usual location and just felt incredibly lonely. All I wanted to do was run home to truly be alone. Even Boots doesn't seem interested in me today. I am meeting the one guy I have talked to on Match tomorrow for lunch. I am nervous about putting on a good impression. I have never been asked out in person. I don't know what it is about me but there must be something. Just like there was something keeping me from making friends in general. That I am not good enough. I don't think I am ugly. I get told I am "cute" all the time. Maybe in the back of my mind I think it is baloney. I don't know. I am a good, responsible, friendly and some what reserved woman. Maybe too reserved. I must put out some sort of vibe. I don't know. Tourists ask me for directions all the time. I don't seem to have an unfriendly vibe to them. I don't know. The shadow has overtaken me this afternoon. I want it lost again. It seems to stalk me and waits for the minute to pounce. I wish I had answers.

Sunday, July 27, 2008


Yesterday, I went to see Kenny Chesney at Gillette Stadium with my sister. We left Quincy at 10 to get to Gillette early to tail gate. We met some of my sister's friends and had a decent time tailgating. The problem, after drinking a 12 pack and a few others, my sister became belligerent. I have a hard time dealing with her when she is drunk. The more I lash out at her behavior, the more belligerent she becomes. I don't deal with it well at all. She handles the pressure of our lives and the situation Mom and Dad are in by drinking. I handle it by withdrawing and getting depressed. I want her to get help but she is not ready. I told her today that I can not deal with her when she is drunk. I have decided to avoid those situations and not enable her behavior. The concert was ok. We were way up in the nosebleed section of the stadium. There were about 5 rows until the top of the stadium. The sound system sucked. We could barely hear the singing. After most of Kenny, we had enough and left early. On the way back to the car, my sister did not like the route we took and was very vocal about her opinion. I tried to tell her to stop but she persisted. Once we got to the car, we had a silent ride home. She called me this morning to apologize sort of and I told her I can not deal with her when she is drunk. It really pains me to see her in this situation as she is my youngest sister.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Floating away...

It has been a rainy mess here in Boston for the last few days. I felt like a water logged cat walking home from the T tonight. It was pouring and my umbrella did absolutely nothing to stop the deluge of rain. To top it off I seem to have laryngitis and a sore throat. I can't talk much to Boots and when I do, he looks at my with a "I don't understand you" look. Today I felt lonely. I have an expanding social life and am meeting lots of new people but I am a failure it seems. I wink and write to people and no one responds. It depresses me. I am not ugly, or so I am told, and I have a great personality but no one wants me. It baffles me. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. The dating world perplexes me. I don't seem to be doing the right things or I don't know. I wish I knew what was wrong. It is the one thing in my life that seems to perplex me (besides luck, but that is a different story). Dad's 60th birthday is tomorrow. We are going out to dinner. It should be good. Well, I am going to go lay down and relax. Hopefully I will feel better.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Not a bad day for a Monday

I lost 4.4 at WI. It is fantastic. I have not been hungry lately, which is good and bad. I am barely eating my points but I do eat when I am hungry, which lately, has been basically at meal times. I went to the gym and tomorrow, I hope to go bike riding, if the weather is favorable, which lately has been hit and miss. This weekend was busy. I had a event on Friday night and I had a great time. Then Saturday, I went to see Shakespeare on the Common and it was a great time. We were very close to the stage. Sunday was laundry day and I went to brunch with Melinda. Next weekend is more of the same. Dad's 60th birthday is Friday and Kenny Chesney is Saturday. Sunday will be a recovery day. My mood has been good. No real depressed moments and no bad talk. All in all, my mood is really stable. Perhaps the medicine is working.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Lemonade and cereal

I just got home from my knitting group or Stitch N' Bitch group. They are a great group of women. It is probably the highlight of my week. We knit, talk, laugh and get along. I have been going for three or four months and it has helped me get over that constant shadow. Having loner tendancies most of my life, sometimes getting out there is intimidating. Will I say something wrong? Will they like me? Laugh at me? I am not really shy, but more reserved. When the shadow is ever present, I am definately quieter and reluctant to speak up. These ladies have welcomed me in and it has improved my social life. I have bonded with them and they have accepted my quirky, sometimes fruit loop self into their midst. Knitting has really been a boon to social life. I have met a lot of nice people through knitting. I am also going to a craft get together on Friday and I am sort of excited. So now, after taking the T home, I sit eating my shredded wheat and milk. I journalled all of my food and met most of the 8 HGs. Yay! A good day 2.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Mondays are so...

Blah! Work was busy since I was in Chicago last week. The cat is ignoring me, choosing to follow my sister and not me. I took a body sculpting class at the gym and I could not stand to see myself in the mirror. I went to Weight Watchers for the first time in ages today and I have gained some weight. Today was a down on Jennifer day. I feel ugly and blobish. Just an all around why did I get out bed day. So tonight, while munching on watermelon (oh so good), I realized that I am ready to get my ass back in gear. So my fridge is stocked and I am ready to go. Day one - a ok.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Where do weekends go?

Really, another weekend gone! This one was a busy one. I had a good friend's baby shower yesterday and brunch with a brunch group today. I am really looking forward to relaxing after I write this. So, I must get my self to Weight Watchers tomorrow. It's been a while and I will start as a newbie all over again. I have lost over 100 pounds and for the most part kept it off but it is really an on again, off again thing. Something I have struggled with forever and probably will struggle with forever. Sometimes I wonder why did I have to have this problem? Can't I be like my friends and not worry about what I eat? Unfortunately, no. Fat was my protector. It kept me safe from roving hands and eyes. I was not noticed. Now that the weight is gone, the hands are roving and the eyes are on me. I find it uncomfortable. I have no clue how to deal with attention and even more clueless on what the right attention is. Maybe that is why I can't seem to get into a relationship with anyone. I am not ugly. I am smart, friendly, have a good heart and really, an all around good catch. No one seems to notice though and I am afraid of rejection. Everyone I know is coupled and meeting single men eludes me. I am not sure how to begin. I am on match (here is my profile: ) but it has not attracted much attention. I should really just wink at random people and hope they respond. The whole thing baffles me.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

After a week away,

I am home. I was in Chicago for a week getting trained on MRI, a software we will use at work to keep track of our leases. Chicago is a neat city and I could see myself living there. We went to listen to jazz, had great Italian food and I met a few cool friends while I will in Chicago. I hope to go back there someday to explore, without working. I have been doing some thinking on blaming others. I need to take responsibility for my life. The past is in the past and the actions of the ones I love in the past, can not be changed and dwelling on it will do nothing to change it. I would not be the same person I am today, if I did not go through what I went through. It is in the past and part of me but as of today, I must move past it. I have spent enough time thinking that maybe, if Dad got me help when I was 11, I wouldn't have.... or if Mom acted like she cared when I was a teen, I wouldn't have.... I am responsible for my life. I make the decisions and choose what to do. I have overcome a lot but I need to take responsibility for my own actions. I feel this is a huge step for me. Dwelling on the past has taken a lot of my energy and now, while acknowledging the past, I will be thinking on the future.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Another weekend gone...

This weekend went well. Saturday, I spent the day watching Burn Notice and knitting. I got a call from a friend after 9:30 asking if I wanted to go out. Having spent the better part of the day doing nothing, I was reluctant to leave the couch but I have not seen him in a while and he was in town for the long weekend, so I went to have a drink with him. I am proud of myself for getting off of the couch. Sometimes, it is so hard even. We went to a local Chinese restaurant's lounge and heard some cheesy 80's music. It was an interesting place. A mix of octgenarians and dancers, I was content watching from the back ground. He drove me home and we spent some time talking. He lives in Pennsylvannia and this relationship will probably never go anywhere but he is cool to talk to when I have been doing nothing happily all day. I am off to the Windy City for immersion training. Hopefully, it will be more then mind numbing classes. I will have coworkers with me so I will not be wandering about Chicago after work alone, which is why I am happy about this trip.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

A New Day

I am a 34 year old woman, who has struggled with depression, self esteem issues and eating all of my life. I have turned over a new leaf in the past month and I am trying to lose the constant menacing shadow that has been stalking me for years. It has kept me from forming relationships, isolated me and basically, held me back and I am tired of it. It is time to lost it once and for good. I have felt that if I just wrote things down, it will help me in the long run.

A little background for what I be talking about regularly:

I live in Quincy, MA with my tuxedo cat, Boots. Quincy is a city that touches Boston the the south and is very close to where I grew up in Holbrook, MA and where my parents live in S. Weymouth, MA. I am the oldest of 4 kids, with two younger sisters and one brother. My parents are both still alive. Mom has early onset dementia and Dad is her caretaker, with lots of problems of his own.

I work as a lease administrator for a large REIT in Boston. I am currently single and I am not sure how I feel about being single. Lately, I am preferring it. I have been diagnosed with depression and am doing well treating it. I am a new lover of knitting and bike riding.

I find knitting soothing and helpful to me. Bike riding get the wind in my face and is helping me save money on gas, as prices are outrageous and in my opinion, will stay that way and only get worse.